Pondering Possibilities For Over-30 Singles, The Choices Are Limited And Often Not Very Inviting

We have the married couples. We know their complaints: sex and money problems.

Then we have the divorced people.

Their complaints usually center on child custody arrangements, child support payments and quarrels with their ex-spouses.

We have the young, never-married singles. They’re too busy having fun to complain.

Then, we have the never-marrieds over 30. Our complaints? Well, as a charter member of this group, I feel we are often unfairly judged and misunderstood. People assume there’s something wrong with us, just because we’ve stayed single past a “respectable” age.

In addition, we are faced with two major obstacles on the dating scene that reinforce our single status: people with kids, and people with lots of emotional baggage from past marriages.

Having never been married puts us in a unique situation. For one thing, we often set our dating expectations higher than our divorced counterparts. Some of us refuse to date people who are divorced with kids. Some of us refuse to date people who are divorced, period.

At age 30, I’ve grown accustomed to dating divorced men. But I don’t like to date men who have kids. I’ve taken a lot of criticism for that position. I’ve been told everything from “Good luck finding someone who doesn’t have kids at your age” to “You’re not perfect either.”

It’s not a matter of perfection; it’s a matter of principle.

I’ve never been married, I have no kids, and I really don’t want to raise somebody else’s. That might sound callous or selfish to some, but it makes good sense to me. It’s hard enough to make a relationship work without adding kids into the equation right off the top. Having children is supposed to be a choice two people make together. For some of us, a ready-made family just doesn’t cut it.

In general, I’ve held firm to my beliefs, but I have found myself wavering in recent years as my biological clock continues to tick and my fears of growing old alone begin to haunt me. Plus, it’s beginning to seem that the only men I meet are divorced with kids.

Turning 30 this year was particularly troubling. I find myself resisting the urge to “settle” for something less than what I had hoped for. Dating gets more difficult as we get older, because we simply don’t meet as many new people. We’re out of college and our social outlets are beginning to diminish. So just where do you meet never-married people over 30? We’re a rare breed.

And let’s face it, Spokane isn’t exactly overflowing with night-time activities for singles. If you’re not into the bar scene, there isn’t much out there. I’m sure I’m not the only never-married single who’s spent many Friday nights home alone watching videos. Unfortunately, that’s when loneliness sets in, making us vulnerable to hasty decisions and bad relationship choices.

It’s a no-win situation. When we’re selective, our selectivity is written off as being picky. When we’re too eager to meet someone, we’re written off as desperate.

Despite the fact that women these days are waiting longer to get married, being single at 30 is viewed as a negative by some of the men I meet. Many divorced guys I’ve dated have had the crust to ask me why I haven’t been married. I usually find myself resisting the urge to answer, “Because I didn’t want to end up divorced like you.”

Then there are the family pressures. Parents want grandkids. Brothers and sisters want nephews and nieces. Other people just want you to get married and be “normal.” Everybody’s trying to set you up, but nothing ever seems to work out.

So what’s my point with all of this? I’m venting my frustrations. After having spent nearly 10 years on the Spokane dating scene, I’ve decided that dating on this side of 30 is a completely different experience from my days as a twentysomething single. I don’t know how the rest of my never-married peers feel, but sometimes, when I’m feeling really wacky, I think I would be better off divorced with kids. At least I would appear more normal. Besides, that way I would have something in common with the men I meet.

My advice to older, never-married singles: Be patient and stick to your principles. But in the meantime, keep your VCR clean and make sure you have a good supply of microwave popcorn on hand.

MEMO: Cynthia Prentiss is a viewer development producer for KHQ-TV. After writing this story, Prentiss started dating a man who is divorced with no kids. Life after 30 just got better.