Change Inevitable As Friend Moves Up
For six years Donna has been a territory sales manager for a manufacturing company. During that time she established close friendships with five female colleagues in her department.
Now she’s been promoted to area sales manager. While thrilled to advance her career, she is apprehensive about supervising her pals. Within the group, the women are open about the struggles in their private lives.
Donna is unsure how to establish authority among her new subordinates who know so much about her life. She’d like to sustain these friendships but wonders whether that is realistic, as well as career smart, given her new responsibilities. She doesn’t know whether to confront the issue head on or proceed in a “business as usual” way.
Although Donna is fictitious, experts say her dilemma is extremely common in today’s workplace, where peers forge strong relationships through long hours on the job.
We asked three experts for strategies:
Pat Heim, Ph.D., author of “Hardball for Women: Winning at the Game of Business” (Penguin Books, $11): “Managing former friends is a big problem for women because of what I call the ‘power dead even rule.’ Men live in hierarchies from the time they’re tykes. There’s the coach, the players, the star players, the team captain and the bench warmer. Boys always have a sense of where they are in the hierarchy. But girls grow up in a flat culture, where power is shared equally. There never was a boss doll player. And for many girls, who, like me, tried to be the boss doll player, you learned that it cost you friends.
“Donna should be clear about her expectations of her subordinates and their expectations of her. If she doesn’t clarify expectations, she’ll have a hard time giving feedback. She should meet with her subordinates and say, ‘I’d like us to work together effectively. What do you need from me?’ And when she gives negative feedback, Donna must keep it focused on job content: ‘Mary, I really appreciate your effort on this report. But here are some problems.’
“Donna should be friendly with everyone on her staff, but she shouldn’t reveal the intimate details of her life. Nor can she ask her subordinates the same questions that she did before she got promoted. Losing personal relationships is the trade-off that you make for career growth. Donna must accept that.”
Walter Polsky, chief executive officer of Cambridge Human Resource Group Inc., a Chicago consulting firm: “It’s a mistake for Donna to assume her friendships will remain unchanged. They won’t. There will be some degree of jealousy or anger among her new subordinates. Donna must be ready for the change and address it up front. She should meet with her subordinates, individually, and discuss the potential discomfort.
“She might say, ‘I want to continue working with you in a way that’s productive and allows us to have the fun we used to have together before this change occurred. Everyone will be treated fairly and equally. This may change the nature of our relationship somewhat, but I certainly hope we can remain friends as we move forward.’
“Afterward, Donna shouldn’t drastically alter her behavior. She can have quasi-social relationships, especially at lunch, with her former co-workers. But she cannot be as emotionally intimate with them as she was when they were peers.”
Adele Scheele, Ph.D., author of “Career Strategies for the Working Woman” (Simon & Schuster, $11): “Donna no longer is ‘one of the old gang.’ She must develop alliances with her new peers and those above her. And she must wean herself, gradually, from the old group. She can’t pretend that she isn’t their manager and that nothing has changed. She shouldn’t socialize with them exclusively, and she shouldn’t reveal the graphic details of her life.
“To get off to a smooth start, Donna should call a staff meeting and say, ‘I’m happy the group will continue to work together. I’m delighted to be chosen as manager. But the job could have gone to any one of you. We’re a strong team, and I will rely on your help as we pull together.”’
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