Cheap Seats

Beam me up, Robert

Minnesota Vikings halfback Robert Smith accumulated quite a phone bill during his 34-day NFL holdout.

“I’ll hate to see my bill because I spent hours on my computer, downloading Hubble telescope images of the comet colliding with Jupiter, the rings of Saturn and different nebula,” Smith explained.

Some have said Smith is a little spacey. He quit the Ohio State football team to concentrate on academics, then skipped school to turn pro early. His days in the gym were also a little different.

“It was so cheesy,” Smith said. “Guys in tank tops thinking they’re like God’s gifts to athleticism. There was only so much I could stomach.”

Born to be mild

For the last three decades, they have been Mildcats, whipping boys for Notre Dame. But Northwestern’s 17-15 shocker over the ninth-ranked Irish on Saturday earned Wildcats fans a rare chance to gloat.

Trouble was, there was hardly anyone around to do the gloating. School at Northwestern’s Evanston, Ill., campus does not start until Sept. 18, so streets in the area remained quiet.

The lack of celebration baffled Jon Passerman and Jonathan Carroll of Skokie. The NU football fans figured on an upset midway through the third quarter, so they high-tailed it up to Dyche Stadium in Evanston, expecting to find a spontaneous victory celebration.

They roamed around the gate, went inside, sat on the turf and waited. Finally, a crowd did show up, but it was a bus full of soccer players from Michigan State. “We’ve gotta find more fans,” said Carroll. “I mean, are we in the right place?”

On the south end of the city, Notre Dame fans cried for coach Lou Holtz’s head. One loyal follower even renounced his allegiance to the Fighting Irish. “Notre Dame got totally outplayed and Lou Holtz got totally outcoached,” cried Dave Gordon, 41, watching the game with regulars at a bar. “He should be out. He should have been out three years ago.”

Ed Naughton, who said he’s been a Fighting Irish fan for 40 years, could hardly talk about the game. He gripped his drink and tried to soothe his pride while his friends teased away. “They will not be beat the rest of the year,” Naughton answered.

All in good fun, of course

Joey Velasquez spent 45 minutes Sunday morning painting his body silver in preparation for the Raiders’ first game back in Oakland, against San Diego.

“I hope Steve Young breaks a leg this year,” he screamed in between yelling “Raiders!” as other fans passed by outside the Coliseum before kickoff. Young, quarterback of that other NFL team in the Bay Area, is hardly a favorite among Raiders fans.

And on Sunday at the Coliseum, neither were Chargers fans. “They want to kill us,” said Brian McCully, bravely dressed in yellow and blue and carrying a Chargers flag as Raiders faithfuls yelled to him, “Merritt Hospital is close by.”

“They want to know where we’re sitting,” added his brother, Greg. “We’re hoping if they throw pretzels, it’s with mustard on it.”

The last word …

“First-year Miami coach Butch Davis has vowed to eliminate the swagger, taunting and posturing that tarnished the image of past Hurricane teams. It might be easier to accomplish than he thought.”

- Art Thompson III, Orange County Register, after Miami’s humiliating football loss to UCLA

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: Photo