Young Minds Can Be Overly Curious

Q. Three months ago, we got a puppy for our 5-year-old daughter, who loved it dearly. Unfortunately, the puppy had to be returned to the breeder because of a congenital defect, and it will probably be a while before we find a replacement. Naturally, our daughter was very upset. Shortly thereafter, she began asking a lot of questions about death and dying and has since become almost obsessed by the subject. At least 10 times a day, she will ask if we’re going to die, if she’s going to die, how you know if you’re going to die, and so on. The more we answer her questions, however, the more obsessed she seems to become. What besides getting another puppy can we do to restore her sense of security?

A. It’s not at all unusual for this age child to begin asking questions about death and dying, and - with or without heartache over a pet that can’t be kept - it’s also not unusual for these questions to become obsessively repetitive. In other words, it may be nothing more than coincidence that your daughter’s anxieties over death emerged shortly after the puppy incident, in which case getting another puppy isn’t going to put them to rest.

Around age 5, children begin to realize that life has a definite beginning and a definite end. As a consequence, they begin asking questions both about where babies come from and what death is all about. The latter category of questions is, of course, the more potentially problematic. Some children ask a few questions about death and seem forever satisfied with the answers. Others don’t seem satisfied with any answer given and, like your daughter, get “stuck” on the issue. The more they “scratch” at it with their questions, the more it festers, and the more they scratch. Meanwhile, their anxieties mount to the point where they begin to look like emotional basket-cases.

Because the problem involves thoughts and feelings, it falls within the realm of psychology. Ironically, a psychological approach - replete with well-intentioned attempts to get to the root of the child’s anxiety and determine what it means - is likely to fall flat on its face and even make the problem worse. My experience as both a parent and a psychologist has been that a non-punitive disciplinary approach works best and quickest.

You must understand that your daughter can’t stop herself from asking questions about death and dying. Pardon the mix of metaphors, but it’s as if she’s in a car that she herself set rolling out of control downhill, and she can’t find the brakes. You’re going to have to step in and find them for her. Next Saturday morning (it’s generally best to initiate transitions of the sort I’m about to describe on days when the whole family is going to be together), sit down with her before she has a chance to ask a question on death and say something along these lines: “You’ve been asking a lot of questions about death and dying lately, and Mommy and Daddy have answered every one of them as well as we can. In fact, you’ve asked all the questions there are, and we’ve given you all the answers there are. From now on, we’re going to let you ask two questions a day about death and no more. If you ask a third question, we’re not going to answer it. A third question means you’re getting yourself upset and we’re going to send you to your room for 30 minutes to calm yourself down. While you’re up there, we want you to take your mind off death and dying by playing with one of your favorite toys or reading a book. The same goes if you ask a fourth, fifth or sixth question about death. This isn’t punishment; rather, it’s just to help you calm down and think about something else.”

I used this same approach with my daughter when she was this age, and I’ve recommended it on numerous occasions since. That experience tells me if you’re able to put on a matter-of-fact “face” with regards to this issue and be consistent about enforcing the two-questions-a-day rule, you should see marked improvement within a couple of weeks and total “cure” within a month or so. That’s the good news. The bad news, and it’s really not so bad, is that children like your daughter often have a general tendency toward anxious ruminating, so be prepared to put the brakes on her concerning other fixations as time goes on. Remember, every child is a challenge in his or her own unique way.

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