Cheap Seats

It’s a sitcom: Diff’rent Batting Strokes

According to first baseman Mark Grace, the Cubs are one big, happy family. “This is a tight-knit bunch,” he said. “There are no cliques. Everybody hangs out with each other - Latins, blacks and whites are all on the same page. I wish America could come in the clubhouse and check out how it is to shoot for the same goal and to get along.”

Isn’t it a wee bit easier to “get along” when everyone makes $2 million per year?

Bad company

This is the age of the outrageous excuse - or so says the San Francisco Chronicle’s Scott Ostler, who is flabbergasted by the recent antics of Cowboys receiver Michael Irvin and Steelers running back Bam Morris.

“It will be fascinating, for instance, to hear how Michael Irvin explains how he wound up in a cut-rate hotel room with a buddy, two topless dancers and a narcotics smorgasbord,” Ostler writes.

“‘Hey,’ Irvin said to one of the four cops who busted up the noisy party, ‘can I tell you who I am?’

“The police officer should have said, ‘No, let me guess. A huge hero to every kid in Dallas? World’s biggest jerk? Am I getting warm?’

“Irvin might explain that he’s sorry, but he just fell in with a bad crowd - the Dallas Cowboys.

“It would appear that the Cowboys have a very effective drug program. However, the team’s anti-drug program is another story.”

And what about Morris, who was busted with six pounds of marijuana in the trunk of his car?

“How did the weed get there?” Ostler wondered. “Maybe it was installed at the factory.”

‘Til tipoff do us part

During games, Celtics guard Dee Brown has his wedding band attached to the laces of his left sneaker.

“My wife told me to have it on me at all times,” he said. “This is the best I can do when I play.”

Dennis Rodman can do better.

Ba-dee-ba-dee-ba-dee, that’s all folks

That’s good marketing, Ducky: T-shirts featuring the 1948 U.S. Olympic wrestling team and cartoon characters to be sold at stores like Target, Kmart and Wal-Mart. The U.S. Olympic Committee makes out. So do Hanes and Warner Brothers.

But it makes Glen Brand sick.

“My first impression was that I didn’t want those characters in with my team,” said Brand, the 174-pound champ of 1948. “The Olympics was serious business, and we had a lot of respect for it. I didn’t like putting cartoon characters in amongst our dedicated wrestlers.”

All the athletes would have to give their consent for the T-shirt to be produced. In exchange, each team member would receive $125 and six free T-shirts. The design shows Bugs Bunny standing between Brand and Verne Gagne, who later was a professional wrestler. Joe Scarpello kneels near the Tasmanian Devil.

There’s a pro wrestler in there and Brand is worried about Bugs Bunny undermining their dignity?

The last word …

“The one thing that makes me feel better is, if you look around, there are some other clubs that aren’t so damn good, either.”

- Phillies general manager Lee Thomas

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: Photo