Freak Out, Fan, With Perfect Quiz To Locate Zombies

Hey, sports fan!

Are you a freak?

No, we’re talking a real FREAK?

Is there a moral dilemma each night between watching the “CBS Evening News with Dan Rather” rather than “Billiards 2Night” on The Deuce?

Are “The Iliad” and “The Odyssey” classic works or pet names that “SportsCenter” anchors Keith Olbermann and Dan Patrick have for each other?

Does the Andrew Jackson portrait on your $20 bill look more and more like ESPN’s Peter Gammons?

Face facts.

You could be part of the alarmingly high number of disoriented people who have been targeted by the FCC and Nielsen as a potential Sports Media FREAK (Fanatic of Rudimentary Entertainment presented as Athletic-related Kafooster).

Please, take the following quiz. It might be vastly illuminating for those a few channels short of a full cable menu:

1. Your vote for president in ‘96 will go to:

a) Bill Clinton, because you’re a Democrat.

b) Bob Dole, because you’re a Republican.

c) Ken Griffey Jr., because the Nike commercials are SO COOL.

2. The crossword puzzle calls for an eight-letter word that starts with an “S” and means “God-like.” You fill in:

a) Saintdom.

b) Sacredly.

c) Schenkel.

3. Watching an ESPN college basketball game, you find yourself:

a) Imitating Dick Vitale.

b) Understanding Dick Vitale.

c) Filling out the organ-donor card on the back of your driver’s license in the hopes that it might someday help Dick Vitale.

4. You have a police record that includes:

a) Speeding (Going 82 on the way home from work to catch the end of the Bulls-Magic game on TNT).

b) Shoplifting (Lured to the deli case at your favorite market and caught stuffing Farmer John shank and butt portions under your sweat shirt because Vin Scully makes ‘em sound so darn tasty).

c) A restraining order (Broke in on Marv Albert’s “Friends and Family” calling circle and sabotaged the start of three NBA games, an NHL contest and a USA Network “Tuesday Night Fight”).

5. Driving home on the freeway after a USC-UCLA football game, you get pulled over. The officer notes you’ve been weaving and asks if you’ve had anything to drink. Your first instinct is to:

a) Scream: “Whoa Nellie!”

b) Blame it on CBS for hiring Terry Donahue.

c) Protest on the grounds that any reproduction, retransmission or any other use of the pictures or description of your actions without expressed written consent of the NCAA is prohibited.

6. If your pet does its business on the living-room carpet, you are best to discipline it with:

a) A rolled-up copy of Sports Illustrated.

b) An old Steve “Snapper” Jones ABA card.

c) Something you made using a recipe from TV Guide called “John Madden’s favorite goulash-stuff dishes.”

7. The last thing you caught yourself buying on TV was:

a) A autographed abs-master from Kiana Tom on QVC.

b) A pair of sunglasses from Jim Lampley on an infomercial.

c) Analysis from Bill Walton.

8. Which of the following philosophical questions about the game of hockey do you most often ponder:

a) Does the Fox glowing puck compromise the sport’s integrity?

b) Does the Fox glowing puck distract from the action on the ice?

c) Did Fox NHL analyst John Davidson once have a variety show back in the ‘70s?

Now, check out your FREAK-Quotient!

How to score:

For each a) answer, add 10 points. For each b) answer, give yourself 0. For each c) answer, subtract 10 points.

What the results mean:

80 to 0: You’re a well-meaning, self-absorbed normal sports fan.

0: You’re a big zero. Need we say anything more?

0 to minus-80: Congratulations! It’s the real deal! Pinch yourself!

Consider yourself a Grade-A, farm-raised, TV-reared sports-media FREAK!

This is your birthright! Wear it proudly.

And of course, don’t forget to give yourself an extra minus-50 points for actually taking the time to answer this quiz.