Teaching Can Counteract Worst Human Instincts

‘Truth is the cry of all, but the game of the few.” - George Berkeley (Bishop of Cloyne, 1744)

Greetings Jennifer: I was wondering what your opinion is on why we don’t get along. I was thinking that one of our instincts could be hatred of anyone not of our tribe. Some strange tribes - gays and lesbians, for example - occur with such frequency that it’s obviously time to start calling them normal. We’re all so aware of each other now, in this global community, what better chance to grow as one. - Pam

Dear Pam: You are right that suspicion of strangers is an instinct from a time when marauding tribes could be dangerous. I assume the hunter or gatherer had to be alert for all sorts of predators and that there were signals, much as other animals have, for recognizing friend or foe. All of us have seen birds or rabbits respond to noises, shapes or shadows.

Human recognition ability is very specific. People are sensitive to stature, color, facial features and expression. People react to language in terms of sound and resent different languages. Researchers have found that humans will easily rate a person in a photograph as dangerous, untrustworthy or OK without any additional information. It doesn’t matter how often they are wrong, they still trust in the same features.

Within groups of people, who are otherwise alike, there are subdivisions based on skills, success or wealth. There is anger or fear at other classes of people which may be why many newly wealthy people get dropped by some of their old friends and why they often choose to live in residential enclaves where everyone is rich.

We still live in a big chicken yard and there will always be pecking at whoever is different. Getting pecked is the price we pay for being different, for being independent, for being who we are and for following our talents. You will always pay for the freedom to move between classes and tribes.

I think that travel, working together, intermarriage, diverse neighborhoods and worldwide communication will eventually break down most of this ancient pattern recognition. We are literally creating new facial features and new tribes so instinct will be replaced by the teaching of our parents and friends. Hopefully that teaching will be motivated by love and acceptance. - Jennifer

Dear Ms. James: I have been struggling most of my life with the way I perceive the world and now that I am a grown woman of 44, I am still living in the same world I inhabited as a child. I find this very uncomfortable and frightening. How do I retrain myself and my thinking so I can be healthy and happy and become the person I want to be? - Kay

Dear Kay: This is one of the core questions, an aware life is an incredible gift. Most of us continue to inhabit the same inner world that we formed as a child unless we undertake to sort through it. Psychoanalysis is based on the theory that you must deconstruct your personality, essentially take apart the puzzle, and then put it back together. The modified personality you form is based on the perceptions of an adult instead of the fears of a child. You are still you but you think more clearly and you feel grown and comfortable most of the time.

I hesitate to suggest that you embark on the deepest steps of this process without a counselor or guide. Few people have the money for an analyst, but there are many other ways to reach the same point. If you are getting nowhere with one therapist then switch to another until you feel a connection.

I would suggest you begin reading about the process and how it has worked in the lives of others. My favorite is “World of Wonders” by Robertson Davies or anything by Marion Woodman. “The Obsidian Mirror” by Louise Wisechild is a powerful book about using “bodywork” to recover from an abusive childhood.

This journey you seek will not be smooth, you will zigzag. You may have a number of counselors or none at all. This journey takes a lifetime, but the hard work is in the beginning. Some parts are fun, interesting and joyful. Sometimes you will be in so much pain that you will think you are coming apart - and you are. There may be months when you don’t know who you are, a kind of neutral zone. You will seem normal to others, but you will know that you aren’t really anybody, too many puzzle pieces unassembled, no clear image.

Start by putting a picture of you as a baby on your bathroom mirror. Then begin a dialogue about who you were then and what you believe happened. Move through year by year with the help of friends, books and therapy. Think about your fate (what you could not change), think about your family (what they told you about you), think about your experience (what happened to you outside of your family) and think about your current perception (what you now believe about your fate, family and experience). Your perception is the only thing you can change.

Get my book, “Women and the Blues,” to get you through the hard nights and keep you safe. I will send you a list of other books and resources that may make a difference. - Jennifer

xxxx

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Jennifer James The Spokesman-Review