I Don’t Know This Man Anymore

“I have nothing to live for,” says Sheila, 55, a reed-thin woman with silver hair. “I’ve wasted 35 years in a marriage that’s falling apart. I devoted myself to raising two children, who no longer care about seeing us. I feel like a complete failure.”

Sheila’s overwhelming feelings of futility were prompted by her husband Zeke’s retirement three years ago. “He sold his business - a kosher deli and restaurant - and we looked forward to these years,” Sheila explains. They anticipated traveling in their new air-conditioned motor home to places they’d longed to see, as well as spending time with their son in Vermont and their daughter in Los Angeles. “But my son made it quite clear that he doesn’t look forward to our visits,” Sheila notes, “and our recently divorced daughter is so wrapped up in her own world she has no time for us.”

Worse, after a few days on the road in the confines of their motor home, Zeke and Sheila were climbing the walls and blaming each other for their unhappiness. A key complaint is that they can’t find activities in common. “I love to play bridge, he hates it,” Sheila explains. She also has no time or space for herself. “I try to escape by going marketing, but he insists on coming along,” she adds.

But her chief complaint is that her husband never gives her any loving care or consideration. When their anniversary rolls around, he never even buys a card. He forgets her birthday. And he doesn’t get around to lovemaking, either.

Zeke, 56, is no happier. “For years, I dreamed about retirement,” he says, leaning forward and speaking in a strident, staccato voice. “I hated every minute I was in the restaurant business - it took me away from my wife and children for most of the week - and I expected Sheila and I would be like honeymooners again. But it just hasn’t turned out that way.”

Sheila, for all her complaints about his lack of love and attention, never gives him a hug or a kiss, constantly belittles him and refuses to make up. “Ninety-nine percent of the time I’m the one to apologize,” he notes. She’s so argumentative, that he’s afraid to say anything out of fear of provoking her anger. “I’m beginning to wonder if my wife really loves me, if she ever loved me,” he says sadly.

Renegotiating your marriage

“Sheila and Zeke are a classic example of an older couple whose expectations for a perfect retirement were shattered when reality bumped up against illusion,” says Mark Snowman, a New York marriage counselor. Married, they led parallel lives without genuine closeness. Now, thrown together all the time in limited space, removed from family, friends and their usual activities, they fight in ways they never did before and profoundly question the value of their marriage.

They are not alone. Many couples find that when the longtime pattern of their lives changes, even in what they thought were positive and welcome ways, problems erupt.

These problems are often exacerbated by age and the loss of children who are now on their own. Marriage is a work in progress, and for most couples, retirement is a critical point at which they must examine their individual needs and dreams and together revamp the marriage so it stays alive. How can you do that?

Remember you’re not alone. Most people face this stage of their lives with a mixture of fear and excitement. Don’t hold those feelings inside; expressing them to each other brings you closer.

Anticipate necessary changes and the mixed emotions that accompany letting go of a marriage that was defined by child-raising. Re-examine your needs and feelings, and learn to reconnect in another context.

Know that this shift may be time-consuming and painful, even for happy, loving couples.

Take time to indulge your own desires and needs and remember to encourage your partner in his or her quest, too. Women, especially if they’ve defined themselves as mother and nurturer, will need to explore new challenges that are as fulfilling and exciting as child-rearing.

Avoid the blame trap. Under the dual pressures of boredom and anxiety, it’s easy to slip into finger-pointing, as Sheila has done, for her feelings of rootlessness. And don’t let resentment of a partner’s efforts to find a new focus to chip away at your personal happiness.

In time, Sheila and Zeke developed separate emotional space as well as a deeper understanding of the dynamics of their new relationship.