Nip Teenage Horror Tales In The Bud

Burton White, author of “The First Three Years of Life,” compared the early teen years to toddlerhood, terming the latter “the first adolescence.” Indeed, the parallels are many: Both stages are typified by loud emotional outbursts, a certain amount of self-centeredness and stubborn, unreasoning opposition to authority. The most significant point of comparison, however, is not that the “terrible twos” seem to presage the “terrible tweens,” but that the most precedent-setting transitions in the parent-child relationship occur during these two stages.

During the first of these potentially perilous passages, the parents’ task is that of taking the child out of the center of their attention and establishing themselves at the center of the child’s. The toddler, feeling himself to be losing control of his parents (and therefore his world) - which, from his perspective, he has enjoyed for nearly two years - screams in protest, defies them at seemingly every turn, and employs desperate means to re-establish his primacy in the family. If, and only if, his parents stay the course through this wailing and gnashing of teeth - which many, unfortunately, fail to do - he will be on the road of good citizenship (which, remember, begins at home) by the time he is 3. For some eight years thereafter, the child puts his parents at the center of his attention, looks to them for definitions of right and wrong, and wants to please them.

But the honeymoon of middle childhood is not destined to last forever. As puberty begins its incessant drumbeat, the youngster begins transferring allegiance from parents to peer group. Much to their chagrin his parents wake up one morning to discover that they’ve been rudely displaced. Other pre-adolescents have taken their place at the center of his attention, he’s looking to them for definitions of right and wrong, and he seems interested only in pleasing them. His parents feel themselves to be losing control, something they’ve enjoyed for too long to give up without a fight.

For these reasons, parents of young teens will often be found doing almost exactly what their children did as 2-year-olds - screaming and attempting equally desperate means of asserting their jurisdiction. All too often, the more a youngster attempts to pull away from his parents and carve out a comfortable niche for himself within the peer group, the more anxious the parents become concerning the sway of certain peers, and the more they become their own worst enemies - forcing the child to prove that obedience is always a choice. In other words, the less willing parents are to support a young teen’s need for independence, the more likely it is the youngster will exercise free will in self-defeating ways.

The fact is, most young teens want more freedom than they can responsibly handle. Equally true, however, is that many, if not most, parents of young teens are guilty of not giving their children enough freedom, enough opportunity to learn by trialand-error how to make good personal and social choices. Almost inevitably, parents who see it as their job to prevent their youngsters from making errors are those whose children end up making the most, and worst, errors.

It’s also true that parents who feel the most secure in their ability to control are those who have the easiest time giving up that control. Thus, the paradox is this: The more effectively parents establish their “government” during toddlerhood, the more willing and able they will later be to let the child pull away and begin the stumble toward selfgovernment. In short, the time to begin parenting a teenager is some 10 years earlier. Get it right the first time, and it’s less likely to go wrong later on.

Note: For more of “Rosemond on teens,” check out his Website (see address below) or upcoming newsletter (for information, call 1-800-525-2778).

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