‘My New Husband Is Having An Affair’

“I am living my worst nightmare,” says Kari, 25, an office manager. “After only three months of marriage, Frank is having an affair with a woman who works as a receptionist in his insurance office.”

For years, Kari was afraid to marry. “Dad was an alcoholic and a philanderer, but Mother told us she’d never leave him because of me and my two sisters,” Kari explains. “As the oldest, I did as much as I could to keep our family together.”

Kari vowed she would never fall in love with a man like her father or allow herself to become as dependent on a man as her mother had been. And when she met Frank at a party two years ago, he seemed to be the opposite of her father: strong, self-sufficient, even-tempered, with a terrific sense of humor. Frank courted her with flowers, surprise gifts and romantic picnics.

After a year and a half, Kari finally agreed to set a wedding date. But as the time grew closer, her anxiety mounted: Was she really ready? Was Frank all that he appeared to be?

Three weeks before the wedding, Kari awoke in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, her heart pounding, unable to breathe. Her mother rushed her to the emergency room, where the doctors told Kari she was having an acute panic attack. “To me, that was an omen,” Kari recalls. “I canceled the wedding.”

Kari was convinced Frank would never speak to her again - but his reaction was just the opposite. “He cried and hugged me and said he’d give me as much time as I needed.”

After six more months of dating and long talks, Kari realized how much she loved Frank and they were married. “For two months, our relationship was wonderful. We even started talking about having a baby.”

Then, overnight it seemed, Frank became sullen and distant, criticizing Kari for small things, working late on weekends and even attending special weekend seminars - “which he never had to do before,” Kari adds.

When he returned from one recently, his suitcase was filled with dirty laundry, but not one business paper or pamphlet. “A black lace slip was stuffed in a corner, along with a motel bill for a double room,” she says angrily.

Frank, 29, has no idea why he had a fling with the woman at his office. “I don’t know what I was thinking,” he says, shaking his head. “I love Kari and want to be with her forever.”

Frank’s childhood was as lonely as Kari’s: “I don’t even know who my real father is - he left my mother when I was a year old. The only father I’ve ever known is the man my mother married when I was 4 - and he always resented me.”

Shy and introverted, Frank had few friends and did poorly in school. “I didn’t find out until I was 20 that I was dyslexic. If my first boss hadn’t taken an interest in me - he had the same problem I did - I’d never have gotten my life on track,” he adds.

Though Frank dated many women, when he met Kari, he knew immediately she was the one for him. “When she canceled the wedding, I was embarrassed, bewildered and devastated,” Frank recalls. “And angry - but I knew that anger wasn’t going to get her back. So I kept my feelings to myself and prayed that she’d change her mind.”

Tit for tat

“Though Frank and Kari entered marriage with many strengths, they also had many handicaps,” notes Connecticut marriage therapist Nora Dixon. Both had come from families that provided little guidance about the role of love and trust in a relationship.

Rebuilding trust takes time and a willingness to work through tough problems. If trust is broken in any relationship, the following strategies can help:

1. Make time to discuss the breach of trust. Set aside anger and blame so you can think clearly and focus on the specific issue. You must also respect your partner’s feelings and truly hear what might have motivated his betrayal.

2. Allow each other to explore fully the pain the betrayal has caused. Allow each partner the floor for, say, 15 minutes, to discuss his/her feelings without fear of interruption, judgment or criticism.

3. The partner who has breached a trust must ask forgiveness. A sincere apology - without excuses or justifications - can heal many wounds.

4. The partner who has been betrayed must decide to genuinely forgive - now and forever - and move on.