No One Was Really Wrong Here
Dear Miss Manners: During a lovely weekend visit with my boyfriend’s two brothers and their wives, one of the most interesting topics of conversation was the vacation plans of the younger brother and his wife, who will be traveling in France. As an admitted Francophile, I found hearing about the details of the trip enjoyable.
As the couple was saying their goodbyes, I asked them if they would pick up some French music for me if I wrote down a couple of names and of course reimbursed them for the purchase.
The wife responded promptly and emphatically that they would not be likely to go into any place that sold music. I was astonished, but did I perhaps commit the faux-pas? Do you think I was out of line to ask for the favor? If not, was her very direct response correct?
Gentle Reader: It is not intrinsically wrong to request a vacation errand of an intimate connection, and it is not intrinsically wrong to refuse one. So this could have been a perfectly polite exchange:
“I wonder if I could ask you a favor. If you happen to be anywhere near a music store, would you mind picking up something for me?”
“Oh, dear. I’m afraid we’re not going to be anywhere near a music store, and our time is so limited. I’m terribly sorry.”
Why wasn’t your exchange this polite? The only clue you give Miss Manners is that word “emphatic.” Did you perhaps make your request too emphatically? It sounds easier to the nontraveler than to the traveler to add a task to a vacation schedule, which is why such a favor should not be asked of acquaintances, and why a refusal should not be considered offensive.
Presuming that the exchange was only slightly testier than the ideal version, Miss Manners suggests you call it a draw and forget bearing grudges.
Dear Miss Manners: This is a trivial matter, and I guess I should be grateful anyone cares to hug me. But here goes:
On three separate but recent occasions, I was hugged and rubbed. I’m referring to other women doing this, not men. Have you noticed an upsurge in this phenomenon of hugging and rubbing? Am I the only one sensitive to this? It makes my skin crawl. It makes me feel demeaned. Where has it come from? Some sitcom, no doubt.
I guess there’s no solution, no way to avoid this, but I just had to get this off my chest (or back, to be more specific).
Gentle Reader: Grateful to anyone who cares to hug you? This is an appalling idea that Miss Manners does not care to pursue.
Nevertheless, she recognizes that there was no demeaning intent in those hugs. Those huggers are merely succumbing to what Miss Manners has come to call Greeting Inflation - whereby the dignified handshake turned into the kiss, one kiss turned into two or even three, and now full body hugs have been added.
Miss Manners doesn’t care for this either, and recommends getting in there first with an outstretched hand, which serves the double purpose of signifying friendliness and warding off intimacy.
Dear Miss Manners: Would it be OK to include an insert in my wedding invitations requesting that all women please refrain from wearing all shades of white? At the last two weddings I attended, there were women guests in white, and I found this completely disrespectful to the bride.
Gentle Reader: It seems to be awfully difficult for brides to understand that their guests are not subject to their orders. Miss Manners is afraid that no matter how much better you could dress them and select the present they give you than they could themselves, you have to let them use their own judgment.
The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Judith Martin United Features Syndicate