Callers Didn’t Get The Message
Dear Miss Manners: During my rather lengthy stay in the hospital, my family took messages from my answering machine. Many callers would not leave names or identifications, and my family had no idea who they were.
Some called again, really angry.
After coming home, I made a point of asking, even though I might know the voice, hoping to alert them to the need to identify themselves. One caller said, “I don’t have to tell you. You should know my voice by now.”
I tried to explain - I also have a hearing deficiency and do not always identify the voice - but some irritated callers ignored my little hints. Am I wrong in my attitude?
Gentle Reader: Miss Manners is more interested in your callers’ attitude. As she understands it, they are taking the opportunity of your hospitalization to challenge you to guessing games, bawl you out and make light of your disabilities.
No doubt they congratulate themselves on these activities, which they think of as cheering you up.
Miss Manners strongly advises you to put the word out that you nap a lot and have therefore set your answering machine to collect all calls, which you will return when you feel up to it - using the names and numbers provided by the callers.
Dear Miss Manners: We plan to have a buffet reception at a restaurant for our grandparents’ 50th wedding anniversary, and have gone all out by ordering and mailing invitations. We will give out bonbonnieres, just like a wedding reception.
We also plan on having a wishing well, but my grandmother’s sister - our aunt - thinks it’s tacky because people will feel obligated to give money. We explained that nowadays people usually give envelopes, even though the well is just to make a wish for the couple. It will certainly make it easier not to misplace any envelopes.
Our aunt is totally against it - but mind you, she claims a money tree would be appropriate.
Gentle Reader: Nice argument. Here you had Miss Manners lulled into thinking that your aunt was opposed to shaking down guests, and you were just arguing about which extortion device to use.
Miss Manners is afraid that you will have to slug this dilemma out without her. Surely you don’t want to be sidetracked by having to listen to her explain that guests are guests and should be looked upon as people whom you want to entertain, rather than to use as a source of income for the guests of honor. Whatever generosity might overcome your guests they will manage to express without your direction.
Dear Miss Manners: My mother perceives events inaccurately and has a weakness for embellishment. When she recounts an incident, she utters a semblance of truth but puts a malevolent spin on it.
Because of her sweet-sounding voice, she can portray herself as a hapless victim of other people’s bullying and work sympathetic listeners into quite a rage in her behalf. Most people cannot believe my mother would do anything devious but she has created tremendous havoc.
Is there a discreet way to warn people about her manipulations without bad-mouthing her or appearing to be a back-stabber?
Gentle Reader: Miss Manners is not generally in favor of hinting that one’s relatives are malevolent troublemakers. But in the interest of preventing the sweet lady from sowing discord, she might make an exception.
As you realize, the challenge here is to undercut your mother without withholding the respect to which she is entitled. Not easy.
You cannot contradict your mother, but you can help interpret what she means, a family duty.
Therefore, you can say, “Oh Mother, you don’t mean that the way it sounds” or, “Mother’s a marvelous story teller, but she likes to dramatize.”
The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Judith Martin United Features Syndicate