Cheap Seats

Don’t stop the presses

Wednesday’s phony nuptials of Dennis Rodman were without a doubt the anti-social event of the season, observed Chicago Tribune columnist Bernie Lincicome.

However, when the Worm does decide to wed, Lincicome’s columnist colleague Mary Schmich envisions gossipmongers writing up the announcement like this:

Mr. Bill Clinton of Washington, D.C., and Little Rock, Ark., announces the engagement of his daughter, Chelsea, to Dennis Rodman. “Anything a Republican can do,” said Mr. Clinton, “I can do too.”

Mr. Dennis Rodman of Chicago announces his engagement to himself.

“A marriage between two people never works,” said the future bride and groom. “By reducing the number of parties involved, I’m increasing the chances of this marriage’s success.”

Service winners

Patrick Lally of Kalamazoo, Mich., and Francesca Bijelic of Hawaii, won the opportunity to return a serve by tennis stars John McEnroe and Billie Jean King.

The two can win up to $1 million in the event, which will take place on Arthur Ashe Kids’ Day today at the National Tennis Center in New York.

To win the $1 million prize, the contestants must hit a 3-footby-3-foot target with the return of serve.

The referees are offering a buck fifty to hit a much larger left-handed target.

Duping it out

Titan Sports Inc., owner of the World Wrestling Federation, alleges in a lawsuit that Turner Broadcasting Systems Inc., owner of World Championship Wrestling, is trying to dupe the public. Two former WWF stars Kevin Nash (formerly known as Diesel or Big Daddy Cool) and Scott Hall (formerly known as Razor Ramon or The Bad Guy) - now work for WCW and have appeared on the “Nitro” show.

The WWF alleged Turner stole the Razor Ramon, The Bad Guy, Big Daddy Cool and Diesel characters from WCW and contended they were trademark products much like the Superman and Batman images.

Last week, the two groups entered into a joint agreement to end the quarrel.

Later that day, a judge threw out the case, calling it a hoax.

Life without lasagna

Dodgers baseball without Tommy Lasorda means more than just life without a legend. It also means life without free food spreads for the Dodgers.

The former L.A. skipper knew where to get a hot meal in every port from Miami to San Diego. And the restaurateurs knew him, too, often sending elaborate dishes to Lasorda when the Dodgers were in town.

“It stinks, because I’ve got to start taking my meal money on the road. That’s a significant dent in my investment portfolio,” catcher Mike Piazza said.

The last word …

“If I was playing right now, I think I could probably hit 20 home runs. I could hit more, but you’ve got to remember I’m 60 years old.”

- Hall of Famer Harmon Killebrew

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: Photo