It’s An Oddball But Tame Request

Sat., Aug. 31, 1996

Ann Landers Creators Syndicate

Dear Readers: I am on vacation, but I have left behind some of my favorite columns that you may have missed the first time around. I hope you enjoy them. - Ann Landers

Dear Ann Landers: I’ve been going with this perfectly lovely woman who is 27, teaches high school English and sings in the church choir. After several months of courting, we decided to have sex. She informed me that in order for her to have complete satisfaction, I must wear my motorcycle helmet to bed. I did as she suggested, but it was quite uncomfortable. She, however, had a great time.

Just how kinky is this? I hope to marry the woman and would not like to carry on this way forever. Can you help me? - Mr. D. in Nevada

Dear Mr. D.: I’d say it is a bit weird but no crazier than some of the other stuff that shows up in the daily mail. If this pleases your lady, continue for a while, then suggest that she wear the motorcycle helmet. Perhaps when she discovers how uncomfortable it is, she will give up on the idea.

Dear Ann Landers: I’m sure your column has done a lot of good and that you have helped thousands of readers over the years, but I wonder if you realize the harm you do when you print letters that give people crazy ideas. For example: that letter from the man whose sweetheart asked him to wear a motorcycle helmet to bed to “heighten the excitement.”

My husband saw that letter and decided it would be a great turn-on if I put on my ice skates before retiring last night. (I was a professional skater 20 years ago, when we met.) I told him he was out of his mind, but he kept nagging and begging until finally I gave in.

Not only did my skates rip the bed sheet and the mattress, Ann, but I gave my husband a 9-inch gash on his leg. I had to drive him to the emergency room for stitches at 11:30 at night. We were ashamed to tell the doctor how it happened.

So please be aware when you print some of those letters that there are an awful lot of nuts out there. Sorry to admit that my husband was one of them. - Past Revisited in Palm Springs

Dear Palm Springs: Sorry about the leg wound. I trust, however, that my column does more good than harm or I would not have lasted this long.

Dear Ann Landers: Have you heard of a Viking funeral? I hadn’t until two weeks ago. Since then, I have thought of little else. Please give me some guidance. I’m all fogged up on this one.

My grandfather has told my brother and me that he wants a Viking funeral. We didn’t know what it was until he explained. The deceased person is put in a boat. The boat is set on fire and shoved out to sea.

Grandpa lives in Minneapolis, and there is no sea anywhere around. He says he wants us to use Lake Harriet instead. It all sounds very sentimental, but the other members of the family insist it’s a crazy idea and they will not agree to it.

My brother and I think Grandpa should have his way. After all, when life has gone out of the body, what difference does it make what is done with it? Please agree with us. It would make Grandpa happy to know you are on his side. It might also help persuade the other members of the family to grant that sweet old man his last wish. - Joe from Bismarck, N.D.

Dear Joe: Every state has its own burial laws, and I know of no state where a Viking funeral is legal. Break the news gently to Grandpa. It sounds as if he had his heart set on it.

xxxx

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