No Spilling Beans; No Lying, Either

Dear Ann Landers: I’m not sure I agree with your advice to the sixth-grader who overheard her mother talking on the phone and rightfully concluded that she was having an affair. You told her not to tell her father.

I know people get angry with the messenger when the news is bad, but that should not be a factor in this instance. When a child is placed in this kind of situation, she has an obligation to tell her father, especially since he is the one who stands to be hurt the most. Confronting the mother would probably result in denial.

Three years ago, my mother made my brother and me promise not to tell our father she was leaving him. For four months, I lived in that house and never said a word to my father about it. He never got over the feeling of betrayal when he came home, found the house stripped of everything and then learned that my brother and I had known for several weeks that Mom was going to leave him.

Keeping that secret put me under a lot of stress, not to mention the guilt that followed. If that sixth-grader hopes to have any kind of relationship with her father in the future, she must be honest with him. - Still Regretting It at 24

Dear Regretting: I disagree. Children should not be put in the middle of these family tragedies. It was wrong of your father to blame you for not telling him about your mother’s deception. It’s time you stopped kicking yourself.

That sixth-grader should confront her mother and tell her she is aware of the affair. The girl should let her mother know she will not volunteer this information to her father, but should he question her, she will not lie to protect Mom. It’s tough enough on kids who learn a parent is cheating. They should not be conscripted to “help.”

Dear Ann Landers: My husband works a 9-to-5 shift, and I work from 6 p.m. until 2:30 a.m. We have done this for years because with three kids, it helps save the cost of child care. Our friends assume we are living the Life of Riley. May I fill them in, please?

I average four hours of sleep a night. My husband comes home after an eight-hour day of work, has dinner with the kids, helps with their homework, takes care of baths and reads them stories at bedtime. I wake up, get the kids off to school, clean the house, do the laundry, start dinner and prepare for another night of work. Since I also have a 3-year-old at home, going back to bed is out of the question. I barely see my older kids, and my husband and I have no social life at all.

My friends think I’m lucky because I get to stay home all day. They don’t know the half of it. My mornings are like their evenings after a hard day of work. I am too tired to drink my coffee, let alone find the energy to clean the house properly. I have no time for myself and neither does my husband. As soon as he walks in the door from work, I walk out.

I’m not complaining, Ann. We’ve managed this routine for 12 years and know exactly how to do it. I just want those women who work the same shift as their husbands to realize how lucky they are. I wish I were in their shoes. Just sign me - Working It Out in Michigan

Dear Michigan: Congratulations on “working it out” - but I worry about a woman who has been averaging four hours of sleep a night for 12 years. And that’s only part of it.

Marriages need nourishment. If you are walking out the door when your husband walks in and you barely see your older kids, that second paycheck may not be worth it. I say, take another look, lady.