Another Mother

Becoming a mother-in-law means being thrust into a role about as popular as Snow White’s wicked stepmother.

Mother-in-law jokes gather the guffaws as often as ones about lawyers, bimbos and ex-wives.

What’s a woman to do? After all, she was a mother - praised with poetry, roses and Hallmark commercials - before she was a mother-in-law. Suddenly, she’s being compared to battle-axes and nags.

“Mothers-in-law are not ogres,” insists Yvette Strauss, author of “The Other Mother, How to Be an Almost-Perfect Mother-in-Law” (Impact Publishers, $14.95).

“When you change over from mother to mother-in-law, you don’t lose all this nurturing, humor and warmth - all of these qualities you had before,” she said.

“But mothers-in-law have to work twice as hard to get half the recognition.”

Mothers-in-law need guidance, reasoned Strauss, a New Jersey writer and mother-in-law, so they can counter the negative stereotypes. The advice in her book ranges from how to handle holiday get-togethers to how to relate to a son- or daughter-in-law from another culture or religion. She also discusses welcoming the same-sex partner of a gay or lesbian adult child.

Most of all, Strauss tells when to talk and when to shut up.

That’s the most important advice, according to a group of veteran Indianapolis mothers-in-law. The women, who have 30 children and 15 daughters- and sons-in-law among them, gathered recently at the Indianapolis Senior Center to discuss the sometimes prickly in-law relationship.

The key to being an exemplary mother-in-law is knowing when to bite your tongue, Strauss and the Indianapolis in-laws say.

“I stay out of their business unless they ask me my advice,” said Ruth Inlow, a mother-in-law five times over.

Strauss said a mother-in-law should think back to when her child was 2 or 3. He would refuse to let you help him put on his coat, even though he put it on inside out or fastened the buttons all wrong. But you let him do it himself anyway.

Adult children feel the same way. “You can’t always do for them, and they won’t do what you want, when you want,” Strauss said. “You have to step aside and let them learn.”

Around the holidays, flexibility and communication are particularly important. In-laws should talk with their children about where - and how - they’re going to spend that time, Strauss said.

The local mothers-in-law said it’s important that the new in-law feel like a part of the family. That means treating children equally, with comparable gifts at holidays and birthdays, and refusing to get involved in marital squabbles.

Inlow said she tells her children: “Now, look, if you do anything wrong in this marriage, don’t expect me to take your side.”

If the mother-in-law chooses sides, it can backfire once the couple makes up. The adult child won’t forget anything negative said about the spouse.

Strauss said that instead of getting involved in the day-to-day business of the family, mothers-in-law should find their own ways to feel fulfilled, such as community volunteering or activities with their husbands.

Thelma Fisher said that’s been her credo. “I get out and go; my kids say they have to make an appointment to see me.”

MEMO: This sidebar appeared with the story: SEVEN SINS Meddling instead of minding your own business. Being overbearing instead of cooperative. Talking instead of listening. Harping instead of understanding. Expecting attention instead of meeting your own needs. Rejecting instead of accepting. Spending money instead of giving of yourself. From “The Other Mother