John Rosemond Stepparents Needn’t Delay Taking Charge
Q. I have two children, 8 and 4, from my first marriage and am about to remarry. I recently read an article in which a psychologist, author of a book on stepfamilies, said stepparents should not attempt to assume full parental authority, particularly in the area of discipline, lest the children become confused and resentful. To tell the truth, I’m a fairly traditional female who believes the man should be the head of the household. I want my future husband to take his rightful role, and right away, but now I’m the one who’s confused. What are your thoughts on this? A. I seem to be swimming against the current of “psychological correctness” with regards to this issue, because I am adamantly opposed to the idea that stepparents should not assume full authority over stepchildren. I don’t even think there should be a period of transition where a stepparent’s authority is concerned. The children need to understand that the moment the marriage vows are taken, the new spouse will be vested with full parental responsibilities and equally full parental authority. This should apply, furthermore, regardless of which parent has primary custody.
Arguments to the contrary seem designed to protect the egos of “absent” biological parents and avoid upsetting stepchildren. As such, they exemplify the notion - implicit, if not explicit, to the counseling philosophy of many a mental health professional - that where family policy is concerned, people’s feelings should hold sway. And, indeed, if the goal is not to ruffle the feathers of either the children or the “real” parent, then having the stepparent take a back seat when it comes to discipline is prudent.
Unfortunately, this all but guarantees that (a) the parent-child relationships - rather than the new marriage - will occupy center-stage in the stepfamily, (b) the children will never develop true respect for the stepparent, and (c) the children will make constant - and often successful - attempts to divide and conquer. This set of circumstances places the new marriage immediately at-risk. In this regard, it’s significant to note that second marriages, when there are children involved, succeed less often than first marriages.
The fact is, children who are expected to give complete respect to a stepparent who has permission to discipline them will not be confused and will get over being upset. I speak with complete authority on this subject because I spent most of my childhood in two stepfamilies.
With my mother’s support, my stepfather, Julius, assumed full parental responsibility and authority on Day 1. If I required discipline, and he was on the front line, he disciplined me. I didn’t always appreciate his methods, but I respected him and obeyed him.
Interestingly enough, my father had no problem with the role Julius assumed in my life, but failed to support his second wife’s authority where I was concerned. As a consequence, I had no respect for Betsy (to whom I’ve since apologized and been reconciled with), was openly disobedient toward her, and generally treated her like a peon.
When I was living with my mother and Julius, it was clear their marriage came first. When I was living with my father and Betsy, it was clear my relationship with my father came first. The difference was night and day. I have a lot of regrets, but both experiences have helped me understand how a family must operate in order to be worthy of being called a family.
By the way, regardless if one is a “traditional female who thinks the man should be the head of the household” isn’t - and shouldn’t be - the issue. The subtle implication contained therein - and one I’m sure was not intended - is that stepmothers have less of a right than stepfathers to assume full authority over and discipline stepchildren.
The question, simply put, is are you and your future husband going to form a family, or are you going to become, in effect, a single parent with a live-in-parenting assistant? =