Christmas Magic ‘Some Assembly Required’

Third Place

I’ve been married to that woman for 36 years, but if she ever brings home another toy for the grandkids that needs assembly, I’ll sure have to think about a divorce! If I’m lucky enough to get a judge who is also a grandfather, he’ll be so sympathetic that she won’t get a dime in alimony!

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,

even the mice were hiding as I began to grouse.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

and on the living room rug I was pulling my hair.

The grandkids were home and all snug in their bed,

while I wished the toy people soon would be dead.

Grandma in her kerchief and I needed a nap

the muscles in my neck were ready to snap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the floor to see what was the matter.

‘Twas but the neighbor who has three young boys,

and he was busily throwing out all their new toys

None were assembled and most of them were broken,

we nodded to each other but not a word was spoken.

Back at my labors, I silently swore

at the toy man who devised such a hideous chore.

“Put round Axle B into the slot,”

the directions said. That sure helps a lot!

On the 12th page I lost it and pans went a-flyin’

It can’t possibly be done, and I’m surely not lyin’.

Meanwhile outside, the snow was a-falling,

and as I listened intently, I could hear someone calling.

“Come on, Rudolph. Get off of your butt.

I’m really hungry; let’s hit Pizza Hut.”

Armed with my shotgun, I rushed to the street.

“Get those deer off my lawn or it’s buckshot you’ll eat!”

Then quick as a wink, I knew I was slick,

for I had just captured Jolly St. Nick!

“Into the house, and assemble those toys,

and when you are finished, go next door for those boys!”

He flew to the task, and it was in just a jiffy

the toys were assembled, brand new and spiffy.

Then laying his finger alongside his nose,

he thought for a moment, then tied on some bows.

“Next time,” he said, “don’t try it yourself.

Just give me a call and I’ll send down an elf.”

He must have been hungry, cause in the wink of an eye,

he was into the kitchen and eating my pie.

“It’s getting late and I must be a-leaving,

cause somewhere there’s another Grandpa who’s grieving.”

“His toys aren’t together, and try as he may,

he’ll still be working on them come Christmas Day.”

He sprang to his sleigh, and his deer started to tremble

and I heard him call out, “DON’T BUY TOYS YOU HAVE TO ASSEMBLE!”