Mother Did The Dropping First
Dear Miss Manners: My mother used to have a good job with a great deal of free time and a good salary, so she would write and buy gifts for her very large extended family.
She lost her job and since has had much less time to write and no money for gifts.
This Christmas, many of these family members didn’t even send a card!
How can I suggest to my aunts, uncles and cousins that my mother would appreciate this attention?
Gentle Reader: Miss Manners was prepared to join your indignation at your relatives’ cruelty in snubbing your mother in her misfortune - until the slight suspicion arose that perhaps your mother had dropped them first.
When she lost her job, your mother didn’t just stop sending presents - she stopped writing as well.
No matter how little time she has, this carries the unfortunate implication that wishing her relatives well was a pastime of leisure, rather than an act of love.
This by no means excuses the relatives from having dropped her, but it should soften your blame for them to realize that for whatever reason, they merely acted as she apparently did.
Realizing that fact should enable you to tell them in a friendly way, “Mother’s too proud to say so, but she really misses hearing from you.”
Dear Miss Manners: There is a nearly painless and certainly foolproof way to train children to write thank you notes.
I simply withhold the gift until the note is in the mail.
Whether the gift is a check or a toy, they are allowed to open, inspect and handle the item for sufficient time to feel they have received it, but then it is set aside and technically belongs to me (in safekeeping for the sender) until the note is written, addressed and stamped.
In the beginning there were protests (“It’s not fair,” “But it’s mine,” etc.), but without a lot of nagging I simply explained that people who care enough to send gifts deserve reciprocal care, and it is certainly not fair for them to be denied gratitude for their generosity.
They have one week to accomplish their task. Failure to do so has the penalty of permanently losing the gift.
I have never had to make good on that threat and send the gift back with a sorrowful note that it was not fully appreciated by the receiver (or perhaps donate it to charity), but I will do so if necessary.
All relatives are aware of this discipline, so I know no one will be offended if the worst happens.
My two boys, aged 8 and 11, write their notes faithfully within one or two days with only a minimal reminder.
Do they enjoy it? Probably not. But they do it, and I am proud of them.
Gentle Reader: Miss Manners can’t wait even one day to thank you, on behalf of civilization, for teaching the connection between generosity and gratitude. Too many people believe - or allow their children to believe - that it is possible to have one without the other.
She trusts that you are also teaching your children that presents are not just acquisitions but symbols of the goodwill of the givers. Otherwise, you will be in trouble if someone gives them a pair of scratchy hand-knitted mittens that they would be just as happy to leave in your possession.
xxxx
The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Judith Martin United Features Syndicate