Barry’s Look Back Columnist Dave Barry Weighs In With His Take On ‘96 And Breathes An Auld Lang Sigh
Let’s start with the good news: Under the current laws of physics, there is no possible way that 1996 can be repeated.
This is important, because it means we won’t have to go through the Madonna pregnancy again. Nor will we ever again have to watch wealthy twits desperately bid insane amounts of money for Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis’ old stuff.
But above all, we will not have to repeat the 1996 presidential race, which was so lame that it could have been promoted by Don King.
Now is the time to sit down in a room devoid of sharp objects and reflect back upon the eventful year we’ve just been through, starting with …
JANUARY
… which began on an ominous note when hostile alien beings from the Planet Gazoom put into action their sinister plan to take over the Earth. This involved beaming a powerful, precisely aimed ray across millions of light years, into the brain of Mrs. Wanda L. Klongwinkle, who at the time was sipping a brandy Alexander with some friends in a bar in Elizabeth, N.J. Seized by a force that she did not understand but was compelled to obey, Mrs. Klongwinkle rose to her feet and, without any conscious thought, stuck out her left arm … then her right arm …
“Wanda,” her friends asked, “What are you doing?”
“I don’t know,” she answered.
“Teach us how!” her friends said, leaping to their feet.
From across the galaxy, the evil Gazoomians watched this scene on their video screen and exchanged high-17 tentacle slaps.
“They’re falling for it!” said their leader. “Soon, the ENTIRE PLANET will be infected with … with …” He turned to his assistant, and asked, “What do we call that thing again?”
The assistant checked his notes.
“The Macarena,” he said.
Speaking of alien beings: In January Lisa Marie Presley and Michael Jackson broke up, reportedly because of a legal squabble over who would have custody of their larvae.
In the ongoing permanent Whitewater scandal, Hillary Clinton told a grand jury that she did not recall ever having lived in any place named “Arkansas.”
Speaking of people who got into trouble, in …
FEBRUARY
… legendary defense attorney F. Lee Bailey was sent to jail when, following a tumultuous hearing in a Florida courtroom, the judge found out what the “F” stands for. In other legal affairs, the Whitewater grand jury attempted to subpoena President Clinton, but he was able to convince federal marshals that he was a different Bill Clinton from the one named on the subpoena, and he did not actually reside at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., but was merely there to service the furnace.
Elsewhere in politics, the potential weakness of Bob Dole as a Republican presidential candidate was graphically revealed when, after barely winning in Iowa, he was soundly defeated in the New Hampshire primary by Boris Yeltsin.
Finally, in one of the year’s most alarming stories, a large asteroid - capable of causing widespread devastation and death - barely missed the Earth. This sobering incident convinced many Americans of the need to develop a contingency plan so that the next time the human race is threatened by a disaster of this magnitude, we can sue.
Speaking of space, in …
MARCH
… the Earth was treated to a spectacular celestial show as the newly discovered Comet Hyakutake appeared in the night sky, so bright that you didn’t even need binoculars to see the Nike logo. Meanwhile, courageous U.S. astronaut Shannon Lucid began what would be her record-shattering 188-day journey in space aboard the Russian space station Mir, where the first thing she discovered was that “Mir” is the Russian expression for “We’re out of toilet paper.”
In legal news, after what seemed like eight or nine trials, a California jury finally convicted the Menendez brothers of murdering their parents. O.J. Simpson immediately vowed that he would not rest until he tracked down the REAL killers.
Abroad, an outbreak of “mad cow” disease caused many British restaurants to stop serving hamburgers. Thanks to prompt action by health authorities, the problem was solved and beef sales returned to normal, only to plummet again following an outbreak of “mad ketchup” disease.
Speaking of mad, in …
APRIL
… a long and frustrating investigation finally came to an end when federal investigators zeroed in on an isolated cabin in Montana after eccentric hermit Ted Kaczynski, in a rare slip-up, filled out a Publishers Clearing House sweepstakes form, and in the space marked “occupation,” wrote “Unabomber.” A search of his cabin revealed explosive devices, incriminating letters, and - in yet another bizarre twist to an already bizarre story - a box of billing records from Hillary Clinton’s former law firm.
In one of the year’s most moving and poignant stories, members of the international social, arts and business elite gathered for several days and - in a moving tribute to the passing of one of America’s most beloved and respected women - bid as much as $20,000 for individual strands of Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis’ used dental floss.
Speaking of class, in …
MAY
… New York City, seeking to improve its image with out-of-town visitors, gave a crash course in courtesy to its cabdrivers, who were taught the finer points of etiquette such as:
-Tap your horn in a series of quick, polite “beeps” when driving on the sidewalk.
-When possible, do not spit directly on the passengers.
-Do not say to departing passengers: “Go (bleep) yourself.” Instead, say: “Have a nice day (bleeping) yourself.”
Meanwhile, Bob Dole quit the U.S. Senate and underwent surgery to remove his tie.
In other government news, federal safety authorities, having finally completed the important work of badgering the auto manufacturers into providing air bags, began the important work of warning the public about the dangers of air bags.
Speaking of safety, in …
JUNE
… the Federal Aviation Administration, reacting boldly and decisively to a rash of airline disasters, announced that it was banning all commercial flights from flying directly over FAA headquarters.
Meanwhile, in ongoing scandal action, it was discovered that White House employees had obtained FBI files of prominent Republicans who were clearly not being considered for federal jobs, such as Abraham Lincoln. President Clinton said this was caused by a “bureaucratic snafu” and vowed to find out who was in charge of the White House and give that person a real talking-to. Meanwhile, it was reported that Mrs. Clinton had been having conversations with the late Eleanor Roosevelt. Mrs. Roosevelt was immediately subpoenaed by the Whitewater grand jury.
In sports, the trend toward “naming rights” - in which municipalities sell the right to name sports facilities - reached a new milestone when Boston’s historic Fenway Park was legally renamed The Dr. Stanley A. Ferbisher Male Impotency And Implant Clinic Stadium.
And speaking of sports, in …
JULY
… the big story was the International Olympic Games and Advertising Vehicle, which began with a spectacular opening ceremony that culminated in an electric moment when the Olympic torch - which had been lit in Greece and carried by thousands of Americans on an epic 10,000-mile journey throughout the United States - was turned over to Atlanta’s official Olympic bus transportation system and disappeared without a trace. In another memorable moment, gutsy 19-pound U.S. gymnast Kerri Strug, courageously competing on a fractured ankle, raced down the vaulting runway, launched herself off the springboard, and - while still in midair - signed with an agent. She had a book-and-TV-movie deal before she hit the ground.
In England, the troubled marriage of Prince Charles and Lady Diana finally ended with a divorce settlement under which Diana will get 20 million pounds (although it was not about the money), a lifetime subscription to Vogue and the right to appear on the cover of People magazine for the next 200 years. Charles gets to keep Wales, Scotland, the fondue set and a stuffed bear called “Wookins.”
Speaking of fun couples, in …
AUGUST
… Bob Dole announced that his running mate would be Jack Kemp, the theory apparently being that Dole could clarify his campaign message by joining forces with somebody he didn’t agree with or even like.
On the other side of the political spectrum, the Democratic campaign in Chicago was highlighted by a powerful speech by President Clinton, in which he pledged to “build a bridge to Indonesia and collect large cash contributions.”
In science news, the astronomy community was rocked by the announcement that a rock believed to have originated on Mars contained tiny traces of a material that, according to sophisticated tests, was genetically identical to Ross Perot, who also decided to run for president once again, under the slogan: “This Time, He’ll Take His Medication.”
Speaking of unbalanced persons, in …
SEPTEMBER
… Saddam Hussein, sensing that his popular support was waning, ordered his troops to attack the Kurds, thereby leaving Bill Clinton, as leader of Saddam’s arch-enemy nation, with no choice but to order missile attacks against Iraq, which of course caused Saddam’s popularity to skyrocket and also, as a bonus, made Clinton look presidential during his re-election campaign. So it was really a “win-win” situation, unless of course you happened to be a Kurd. Or Bob Dole.
On the social front, a 6-year-old South Carolina boy innocently kissed a schoolmate and, following a wave of national publicity, was elected to Bob Packwood’s old Senate seat.
Speaking of romance: The most important social event in world history took place when mega-hunk John F. Kennedy Jr., after having publicly dated an estimated 23,000 beautiful tall blond thin women, finally selected, as his wife, a beautiful tall blond thin woman, named “Mrs. Mega-Hunk John F. Kennedy Jr.” The couple were married in Georgia in a small, very private ceremony with a “Dukes of Hazzard” theme, after which everybody went to the mall and had corn dogs.
On a happy note, U.S. astronaut Shannon Lucid, who had been stranded in space aboard the Mir because of mechanical problems with the space shuttle, was finally able to hitch a ride back to Earth on an Olympics transportation bus whose driver had been trying since mid-August to take the Swedish fencing team to the Atlanta airport.
Speaking of foreigners, in …
OCTOBER
… the Clinton administration angrily denied charges that non-citizens were buying access to the federal government through large cash contributions to the Democratic Party. “That’s ridiculous,” snapped official White House spokesperson Vopulaji Olymetrioudamba Harshpretyoun IV, speaking through a translator.
In sports, the New York Yankees won the World Series thanks to the stellar performance of Most Valuable Player Jeff Maier, age 12.
Meanwhile, in the most important social event in world history since the marriage of mega-hunk John F. Kennedy Jr., Madonna had her baby. Unfortunately, this blessed event was marred by the obnoxious behavior of the press, which published photographs of Madonna, her baby and the father of her baby (whose name is “The Father of Madonna’s Baby”). This caused great anguish for Madonna, who felt that she was entitled to privacy, which makes tons of sense seeing as how she has spent most of her adult life running around largely naked screaming “I’M A STAR!!! PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!!”
Speaking of needing attention, in …
NOVEMBER
… as the presidential race came down to the wire, Bob Dole, in another shrewd tactic, campaigned without sleep for 96 straight hours, at the end of which he was promising to “protect America from all these giant flying snakes with the face of Howard Cosell.” Despite this compelling effort, the estimated 873 Americans who were still willing to vote in this election decided to go with Bill Clinton, who declared that his re-election was “a victory not just for me personally, but for all the people of America who might be in a situation where they could benefit from a pardon if they just keep their mouths shut a little longer, if you catch my drift.” Dole, in a gracious concession speech, promised to support the president and “visit him in jail.”
In sports, the boxing world was stunned by one of the most shocking upsets in weeks when Mike Tyson, going into a championship bout as an overwhelming favorite, was knocked out in the 11th round by Kerri Strug, who coincidentally shares the same agent.
On the legal front, there were widespread reports of sexual abuse on Army bases, prompting an outraged O.J. Simpson to vow that he would not rest until he found the branch of the military that was really responsible.
And speaking of responsible, Michael Jackson, having fulfilled all his other major fantasies, such as owning an amusement park and a monkey, decided to become a parent. The biological details were not made public, but Jackson, in a statement to the press, said he was “very excited” about the forthcoming blessed event, as was the mother-to-be, Dennis Rodman.
Speaking of preparing, in …
DECEMBER
… Bill Clinton, preparing for his second term in office, announced his new Cabinet lineup, which included John Huang as secretary of the newly created Department of Indonesian Affairs and Robert Shapiro as secretary of defense. The president also vowed to order an investigation to determine how the body of Jimmy Hoffa turned up on the residential floor of the White House. “But if I had to guess,” Clinton remarked, “I’d say it was a bureaucratic snafu.”
MEMO: Dave Barry is a humor columnist for the Miami Herald. Write to him c/o Tropic Magazine, The Miami Herald, One Herald Plaza, Miami FL 33132.