These Changes Would Tickle Elmo
Looking back on 1996 gives us a handle on what to expect in 1997.
An Olympian team: CBS names its 1998 Winter Olympics prime-time hosts - Jane Seymour of “Dr. Quinn” and Don Johnson of “Nash Bridges.” Pat O’Brien quits in disgust, then rolls on to full-time work at Red Lobster.
The Tesh trial: Charged with malpractice at the Summer Olympics, John Tesh expresses his belief that he did not err in scripting, and even writing lyrics for his gymnastics commentary. “I am drama and drama is me,” he testified (live!) from Red Rock District Court. “I am music. And I write the songs.”
Juan and Elmo: Having told HBO that the Olympics movement is “bigger than the Catholic religion” and tyrants are OK by him if they like the shot put, Juan Antonio Samaranch, president of the International Olympic Committee, tells “60 Minutes,” “The Olympics are even bigger than Tickle Me Elmo. Castro told me so. He loves Tickle! Say, would you like a doll? I have extras.”
Foxy programming: Knowing that sports events are its best programming, Fox says it will cut regularly to game highlights during frequent prime-time entertainment lulls. “This is why we gave Pauly Shore a sitcom,” said David Hill, president of Fox Television. “When you’ve grown bored with Pauly, as you will, we’ll show you Don Zimmer and octopi on the ice in Detroit!” An irate Bob Wright, NBC’s president, said: “It’s a ruse to screw up Nielsen!” “Don’t you think I’m already screwed up!” Leslie Nielsen shot back.
I’m not Tiger Woods: The ever-resilient Nike, acknowledging that Tiger Woods’ retirement has hurt the campaigns built around the 21-year-old golfer, unveils a new version with the catch phrase: “I’m Orville Moody. Really.”
Fan of the year: Penny Crone, who proved her undying devotion to the Yankees while covering the 1996 World Series for WNYW-TV/Channel 5, weds George Steinbrenner in a City Hall ceremony performed by Mayor Rudolph Giuliani. “I said I loved George and I meant it,” she said.
A new CNN: Having proven his worth ethic and versatility at CNN and TNT, host Vince Cellini replaces Elsa Klensch as CNN’s fashion doyenne. “I’m even planning to cover wars when Christiane Amanpour is off,” he said. “I may even go on ‘Crossfire’ and scream liberal things.”
The all-news gamble: The ESPNEW-SCNN/SI sports news networks augment their slim subscriberships by offering their clips door to door. ESPN’s Chris Berman and Keith Olbermann, and CNN/SI’s Cellini and Fred Hickman march down major American streets, hawking highlights and scripts. Olbermann wears a sandwich sign saying: “Will narrate home Super 8’s for Fruit Roll-Ups.”
Baseball lite: Dissatisfied with last year’s baseball ratings, Fox cuts deeply into its broadcasts - the pregame show is slashed from 12 minutes to 30 seconds and the games to 90 minutes. “If the games go longer, viewers can switch to ESPNEWS for the rest,” said Ed Goren, the co-executive producer.
Bowe-Golota III: The promoters of the Ultimate Fighting Championship stage the third Riddick Bowe-Andrew Golota bout in a barbed-wire cage. “No protective cups, no punches above the belt,” viewers are warned..
From the heart: CBS adds Burt Reynolds to its Fiesta Bowl announcing team. Said an exec, “Have a heart. The man’s having trouble paying his toupee bills.”