Deepening Love Couples Can Increase Satisfaction By Nurturing The Spiritual Part Of Their Relationship

With St. Valentine’s Day rolling around next week, naturally our thoughts turn to love and all the pain and pleasure it can bring into our lives.

Yes, we can get hurt in this serious business called love, and when Valentine’s Day rolls around, sometimes those memories come back to spook us.

That’s why I wanted to talk with Joan Gattuso, a minister in the Unity Church who has a new book called “A Course in Love: Powerful Teachings on Love, Sex and Personal Fulfillment” (Harper Collins, $20). Gattuso said in an interview that those bad love experiences must be purged from our lives.

“If we don’t get rid of it, we recreate the past,” Gattuso said. “It’s a process of forgiving - forgiving ourselves and forgiving those who hurt us. And then we must glean the good from it.”

Gattuso said many people try to wring too much out of a relationship, expecting perpetual happiness without the ups and downs of true life. Even a soul mate cannot completely fill another’s needs.

“When I go out to speak, I ask audiences how many have tried to get their partner to make them happy - completely fill your needs. Hands go up all over the place,” Gattuso said.

“That is a major flaw in many relationships - that someone can complete me. If you come into a relationship looking needy - well, needy is not attractive.”

And Gattuso doesn’t like the phrase “falling in love.” She says if you can fall in love, you can also fall out of love. She says finding and developing a relationship with a soul mate is a spiritual thing rather than a physical wrestling match.

“I think it’s rising to love,” Gattuso said. “We let the spirit lift us. I believe love comes out of our hearts and minds.”

Gattuso says too many relationships begin with a physical attraction and never reach a spiritual level.

“We are not our body,” Gattuso said. “We are more than a body. We have to teach children to look beyond the physical to the spirit within.

“That’s why so many marriages fail. We are focused on bodies. Look for other qualities: kindness, honesty, compassion.”

And the sexual aspect of a relationship, Gattuso says, must be approached with caution. Sex, it turns out, also affects our spirituality.

“Now you hear of 12- and 13-year olds having sex,” Gattuso said.

They’re not ready, she said, and they will be damaged. The parts may be functioning, but their hearts and minds are not engaged. It’s not just about disease, but whom you’re sharing your spirit with.

When a relationship becomes flat and stale, Gattuso says, we don’t have to give up and let the partnership crumble. If that’s what you’re facing this Valentine’s Day, Gattuso says to give it another try.

“If both parties are willing,” Gattuso said, “they can turn it over to a higher power, which you can call the essence of love. … The higher power can use the relationship for a higher purpose, to heal their history and sort out the good.

“But they have to be willing to relinquish those old grievances and to see the new relationship as a new creation.”

I believe love is a spiritual thing, brought to us by a gracious God who wants the best for us. But there are obstacles and barriers we face. That’s when we are inclined to turn it over to a higher power and bring the relationship to a new level. This Valentine’s Day, why not say a prayer for yourself, your soul mate and that sacred relationship you have?

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