Learning To Play Parents Should Not Be Intimidated By Child’s Play, But Rather Enjoy The Learning Process

My husband is an amazing father to our two girls. He’s involved, flexible, even fun. Yet, few words strike terror in his heart like those uttered by our oldest: “Daddy will you play … BARBIES?”

He’d rather insert toothpicks under his fingernails than play with the infamous blond bombshell. But he loves his children, so he digs deep and pulls out his best going-to-the-mall girlfriend voice. The trouble is, Sara often criticizes his Barbie play. “That’s not right, Daddy! She doesn’t talk like that.” Then she proceeds to instruct him on proper doll etiquette, verbiage and dress.

“It’s not that I don’t desire to play with her,” he’ll confide in me. “It’s a lack of ability. I really don’t know how to play.”

He’s not alone.

Rebecca Androes is mother to two boys, nearly 4 and 6. Raised on a farm outside Spokane, she’s no stranger to dirt and outdoor games. It’s the car games that stump her. “I used to ask ‘Is this the right sound?”’ Androes says. Now, several years and hundreds of car games later, she not only has the sound down, she owns her own toy car.

“Kids will show you what to do,” Androes says. “Just relax, sit down and you’ll learn a lot.”

Playing is a daunting endeavor for many parents. Some may see play as an interruption of other responsibilities. Or a nuisance. Or, it’s just plain dull. It’s important to put it into perspective.

“Parents are busy and have things they want and need to do,” says Jeanne Walsh, who served 13 years as director of First Presbyterian Preschool and is now director of family ministries there. “It’s not the parent’s job to be cruise director for their children,” she says, “but they do need to participate in child play to some degree.”

Play is child’s work, Walsh says. It’s one of the ways they learn and wrestle with life’s questions. Playing with children allows parents an intimate glimpse into their inner world. Are they struggling with issues of fairness? Of sadness? Divorce?

The danger, says Walsh, is getting over-involved in child’s play, in doing their work for them.

“Let the child direct and initiate play,” she says. “If you take over, you rob them of discovery.”

Or worse, send them the message they’re incapable of playing without an adult.

If, for example, a 2-year-old is stacking blocks, don’t say, “Let me show you a better way,” or, “If you just put these there, they’d stand.”

Debbie Phillips, owner of Spokane Gymboree, says it’s crucial for parents to recognize learning styles. Basically, there are two, she says: “watchers” and “doers.” Watchers will sit back and observe others several times before trying themselves. The practice is mental. For example, a little girl may watch a neighbor swing a bat 20 times, then actually pick up the bat on the 21st time and give it her best shot. A doer, on the other hand, physically attempts the new skill right away, with little hesitation.

“He’ll show you all 2,000 practices and isn’t concerned about making mistakes,” says Phillips.

We carry these styles into adulthood, says Phillips, who’s a doer.

“I won’t read the directions for a new coffee maker,” she says. “I’ll just plug it in and see what happens.”

When a parent’s and child’s learning styles differ, it may lead to problems.

“Watcher-parents are uncomfortable watching their doer-child leaping along,” Phillips says. And doer-parents can barely stand to sit back and wait for a watcher-child to jump in.

“They’re anxious for their children to perform a certain way and may push them beyond their realm of comfort,” Phillips says.

For the parent who bores easily (and let’s face it, preschool play can get tedious), variety is truly the spice of life. The book, “365 Days of Creative Play” by Sheila Ellison and Judith Gray (Sourcebooks Inc., $12.95), offers 13 categories of activities, from art and dance to cooking and make-believe. Select two or three ideas you can live with and let the child have the final say.

Setting limits helps, too. Short periods of wholehearted participation are more rewarding than long periods of reluctant play, says Walsh.

“It’s OK to say, ‘I’ll do this now, but I have more time later,’ then find something you like, gut-honest.”

After all, it’s not just the play children are seeking, but a parent’s undivided, enthusiastic attention and love.

MEMO: Susan Blakely is a free-lance writer based in Spokane.