Don’t Coddle Child’s Tantrums

Question: Our 6-year-old son, Waldo, has recently started throwing tantrums when he doesn’t get his way or if we insist he do something he doesn’t want to do. By tantrums, we mean he yells at us (for example, he tells us we’re stupid), stomps his feet, and starts wailing at the top of his lungs. This started about the same time he started school this year.

We’ve asked Waldo’s first-grade teacher if he’s having problems of any sort and she has assured us he is doing fine academically, is not a behavior problem and gets along fine with the other children. He’s probably throwing four or five of these little fits a week, on average, and one might last anywhere from five to 15 minutes. We usually send him to his room until he gets control of himself, and then we try talking to him about better ways of dealing with disappointment and frustration.

At this point, however, he begins arguing with us - telling us that his tantrums are our fault, that we’re unreasonable, and so on.

In short, we get nowhere, and sometimes another tantrum begins. Do you think something could be bothering him that he won’t, or can’t, tell us about? In any case, how would you suggest we deal with these outbursts?

Answer: To your first question, I have absolutely no idea whether something is bothering Waldo, other than the fact he’s obviously bothered by not getting his way and having his idylls interrupted. If “something” was, in fact, bothering him, I would think you’d have figured it out by now. Either the teacher would have a clue or your intuitions would have honed in on something.

Indeed, it’s interesting that Waldo’s tantrums began around the start of the school year, and one might speculate that they’re symptomatic of stress brought on by increased academic demands, heightened social competition within the peer group, unrealistic performance expectations either self-imposed or that he’s “hearing” from you and/or his teacher, family problems, or a combination thereof. But those sorts of things rarely remain mysterious for long. Based on what you’ve told me, including the fact he refuses to accept responsibility for his behavior, I’d say Waldo’s outbursts are indicative of delusions of egocentricity with impulse-control shortfall syndrome, or DEWICS. In short, immaturity. But then, what else should one expect? Waldo is, after all, 6 years old.

The treatment generally prescribed for DEWICS is not talking, but good old-fashioned discipline. By the sound of it, you’ve talked quite enough, and all your talking has gotten you is a lot of guff.

The method I’m going to describe is uncomplicated, which is the first prerequisite of a good discipline plan. And it’s tried-and-true, which is better yet.

I call it “counting down to nothingness” or “three strikes, you’re out.” It’s actually quite effective across a broad range of behavior problems, so listen up.

You’ve said Waldo throws four or five tantrums a week, so we’ll begin by giving him an “allowance” of three per week, beginning on Monday. Every time he throws a tantrum, he incurs a “strike” and must go to his room until he has regained control of himself. When he comes out of his room, however, do not - I repeat, with great emphasis, DO NOT! - talk to him about his outburst. Just go on as if it had never happened. The third “strike” of the week results in complete restriction for the remainder of the week.

How you define complete restriction is up to you. At minimum, it should involve no outside play, no television and no friends over. When it comes to extracurricular activities, I generally recommend including in the child’s restriction those which are recreational in nature, but not those which are educational. For example, even if he had already incurred his third “strike” of the week, Waldo would continue to attend kazoo lessons, but would not attend shuffleboard practice or games.

If my experience holds true, Waldo will “strike out” during Week 1, and perhaps even Week 2, but you should see significant improvement by the third week. If, that is, you call “strikes” as dispassionately as would a baseball umpire. In all likelihood, Waldo will then “honeymoon” for a week or so, then have a relapse.

When he succeeds at containing his tantrums to fewer than three per week, you should “up the ante” by reducing his “tantrum allowance” to one per week (in which case, he’d “strike out” on the second tantrum of the week.)

Be prepared to hang in there. It’s not unusual for ups and downs to continue for six weeks, and total “cure” usually takes three to six months.

In short, by the time Waldo is 7, you might even decide to keep him. In the meantime, batter up!