‘Trainee’ Donahue Didn’t Add Salsa

Terry Donahue has done everything expected from a kid wearing a white paper “trainee” hat.

He knows the buttons on the cash register. He gives correct change. He doesn’t spill hot coffee on the customer’s lap.

So Tuesday night, his employer promoted him to the drive-through window and the big McDonald’s Scoreboard telestrator.

Is CBS a few McNuggets short of a Happy Meal?

The Fiesta Bowl’s Florida-Nebraska national college football championship game deserved a championship broadcasting team.

And CBS, which doesn’t do NFL games any more, exposed itself for barely having enough horses to do a big college game.

“Hello, My Name Is Terry” Donahue, put in a position to fail, didn’t make any tragic mistakes Tuesday.

But a realist has to see that Donahue’s performance was what could be called pleasantly ineffective.

He didn’t add any spark, any special insight or anything much else that a game of this reputed magnitude deserved.

As a broadcaster, Donahue comes in with a Bill Clinton-like voice reading off a teleprompter. It’s a thin, halting and indecisive tone, lacking any distinctiveness, conveying little energy. There’s nothing dynamic about him that a viewer can ride on.

Remember CBS’ NCAA basketball title game, when analyst Billy Packer punctuated the broadcast at the right time? Despite the fact both Packer and Donahue worked with the ultra-professional play-by-play man Jim Nantz, Donahue was exposed like limp guacamole. No spice. No zing.

No salsa, mild or spicy.

Was this some sort of CBS college prank? You could have tried cow tipping - or viewer tipping - by the middle of the second quarter.

That’s when the novice ex-UCLA football coach ran out of his index-card phrases. Nantz would leave an opening for Donahue to speak after a play. If there was no replay, Donahue’ wasn’t diving in. As a result, large lulls before the next snap were common.

The viewers - and Donahue - seemed to be waiting to exhale.

If Donahue didn’t start every sentence with “Jim … ” it was because he called Nantz “Steve” at the opening kickoff because they’d just been talking about Florida coach Steve Spurrier. It’s a good strategy for Donahue to forget about the fact 100 million people were watching. But he also ends up forgetting 100 million people were watching.

Early on, Donahue tried to anticipate an official’s decision and a Nebraska play call but was wrong twice (maybe he was distracted like the rest of us by the huge Tostitos logos all over the field).

Tim McCarver-like mistakes bit Donahue several times.

When Florida led early on 10-6, he remarked that he was surprised Nebraska didn’t change its running game because it was trailing. Lawrence Phillips ripped off a 42-yard touchdown run seconds later.

When Nebraska had the ball and a 42-10 lead in the third quarter, Donahue remarked that he wouldn’t be surprised to see the Huskers keep it on the ground and eat away the clock. Tommy Frasier threw it long a play later, causing Donahue to point out that coach Tom Osborne was not a conservative coach and believed in going for the pass at the right time.

Donahue continually stated the obvious (“Florida’s defense needs to tackle better” or “Nebraska’s ability to blitz is a key”), used long sentences that explained little and was caught at least once talking to the production truck coming out of a commercial.

All with that Donahue sense of nice-guys-can-do-this attitude.

Donahue’s previous CBS experience was a Sun Bowl blowout three days earlier when he was practically upstaged by broadcast booth guest Tom Arnold. Did any bells go off then at CBS headquarters?

Lobbing grenades at Donahue after two games may not seem fair. But then neither is CBS’ decision to ask him to analyze the biggest college football game in years. And they should twist in the wind just like him.

We came dressed for the party in a tux. CBS, who last year paid $150 million for a six-year Fiesta / Orange Bowl rights deal, came in its overalls.