‘He Favors His Kids Over My Kids’
“Mike takes no interest in my 6-year-old son Carl, but he idolizes his own two daughters,” says Kate, 29, a blue-eyed blond whose second marriage is approaching its first anniversary. “I’ve bent over backward to try to make his daughters feel at home - I know Carl feels sad about that sometimes. The least Mike could do is not play favorites either,” she adds. The trouble is, there have been so many times when Mike shows preference for Jane, 10, and Jennie, 7, over Carl and even Kate, that she is not sure just how much her husband cares about her anymore.
“The minute the girls arrive for their alternate weekends or holidays, our happy family life shatters like a crystal glass,” snaps Kate. “Those two have Mike wrapped around their little finger.” Kate had hoped her marriage to Mike would give Carl the strong father figure he so desperately missed. “My first husband and I divorced when Carl was a toddler, and he never sees or speaks to his son,” she says sadly. Now, Kate finds herself cast in the role of wicked stepmother. “The girls complain that I’m a terrible cook and a mean lady who yells at them,” she says.
Mike, 30, a sergeant in the fire department, feels as if he’s caught in a bind he can’t do anything about. “I want to be a father to my girls and to Carl,” he explains, “and I’m being torn in two. No matter what I do, or how hard I try to be fair, I can’t win.”
Mike adores his children and feels guilty about divorcing their mother. “We were miserable and our home life was filled with anger and loud fighting,” Mike explained. “I couldn’t see them growing up in such a poisoned atmosphere.” More than anything, Mike wants his children to witness a happy and loving marriage - the kind he thought he’d have with Kate.
He agrees they have problems but believes Kate is exaggerating.
Easing step-sibling rivalry
“Children experience many changes, some obvious, some subtle, when they enter a blended family,” notes Mark Snowman, a child and family therapist in New York City. “Keep in mind that birth order is changed when two families are blended into one, and it’s common for children to feel displaced. Carl, for example, had been an only child for several years. Now he has to share parental time with two big sisters. Jenny treasured her spot as the baby of the family. Suddenly, she’s sandwiched in the middle. Inevitably, there will be cries of ‘Mommy (or Daddy) loves you best.”’
What’s more, many new stepparents feel, like Mike, the tug of loyalties between their own children and their stepchildren - and are at a loss as to how to balance conflicting responsibilities. Many, like Kate, don’t especially like their new stepkids. While there is no commandment that declares you must love your stepchildren, you should at least strive for respect and cordiality.
The following advice helped Mike and Kate heal the wounds and achieve a more harmonious family life.
1. Give each child private space - and private time with you. Keep in mind that battles over turf are inevitable. Children who come to visit, like Jane and Jennie, feel out of place, while those who live in the home already, like Carl, feel invaded. In the best of all possible worlds, children should have their own rooms, but since that is often impractical, try to divide the room in such a way that each has his or her special place - for instance, the top of the bunk bed or even one shelf that’s off limits to everyone else.
2. Work as a team to set up house rules that all children must abide by - even if they are different from the expectations they must meet in their other home. Kate can say: “I know your Mom feels differently about this than I do, but in this house, we stick to these rules.”
3. Let the biological parent handle the discipline until you and your stepchildren have a longer history upon which to build.
4. Set aside one-on-one time with each child. Spending time doing an activity that the child enjoys can help mitigate resentment.
5. Remind yourself that, to a certain extent, sibling rivalry can be emotionally healthy. Children need to find their own way, to measure themselves against others, to butt heads and ultimately learn to compromise and resolve conflict. Give them time to do that. However, if the stress seems to escalate, consider professional counseling for the entire family.