Cheap Seats
But there’s no such thing as a Q fare
So Brendan Byrne Arena in the New Jersey Meadowlands has been renamed Continental Airlines Arena. How will it impact the average fan? Jay Leno has the answer.
“All seats will be made smaller,” Leno cracked, “leg room will be removed and all games will start 20 minutes late.”
And if the Nets’ defense experiences a loss of pressure, an oxygen mask will drop from the overhead compartment.
Charles, you ignorant slut
And now a word from Charles Oakley and Chris Webber, the Shana Alexander and James Kirkpatrick of the NBA.
First, the Knicks’ Oakley: “I only have a few friends in the league, because the league is full of bull. It’s not about talent anymore. So many teams have talent, but they’re not going anywhere. It’s about marketing and individual things. Like the Washington Bullets. They have good players, but they’re not going anywhere.”
Now, Webber of the Bullets: “He’s supposed to say that - he’s on his way out. If he doesn’t win a championship this year, he’ll never win one. Me, I got nine more tries, maybe.”
Stuffed crust or regular? Botha
Frans Botha may not be IBF heavyweight champion for long. After outpointing Axel Schulz last month in Stuttgart, the South African tested positive for Nandrolon, an anabolic steroid, and could be stripped of the title if a second urine sample shows the same result.
What’s wrong with this picture? Bernard Fernandez of the Philadelphia Daily News has an answer.
“Botha claims there was an error in the testing,” Fernandez writes, “and I’m inclined to believe him. Why? Because steroid abusers are heavily muscled guys whose chemically enhanced physiques make the Incredible Hulk look like Pee-wee Herman. If the soft-bodied Botha is on steroids, he must have gotten a really bad batch.
“Now, if someone had told me Botha had tested positive for chocolate eclairs … “
God may be great, but he’s not always good
We return you now to the further adventures of God Shammgod, the freshman guard from Providence College with the providential name.
It’s been a rough season for God. Coach Pete Gillen confirmed that Shammgod was held out of a game early this season for using a stolen telephone credit card number. Then Shammgod was benched for the Seton Hall game after refusing to return to the lineup late in a game against Colgate. And he didn’t start against Boston University after missing practice to be with his girlfriend after she was mugged.
Shammgod’s father has been quoted by the New York Post as saying his son was upset with his situation at Providence and “things were promised to him that aren’t happening.”
But the real revelation? Shammgod has a 13-month-old son. That’s right, the son of God. Oh, and the father quoted by the Post? That would be God Sr.
The last word …
“I was like a tumor out there.”
- Heat center Alonzo Mourning, on shooting 4 of 17 from the foul line in a recent loss
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