Parents Need To Be In Accord
Q. My 13-year-old son is giving me fits. Daniel ignores me, sasses me, refuses to do what he is told and refuses to cooperate in any punishment I levy. I would have to literally fight him to get him to his room, and I’d have to hold the door (or lock it from the outside) to keep him there. If I take away a privilege, I have to, again, literally fight him to keep him from taking it back. My husband, whom Daniel obeys without question, travels through the week. I don’t like taking a “wait until your father gets home” approach, because even though he doesn’t seem to mind, I don’t want to make my husband the heavy. What should I do?
A. I’d strongly recommend that you go right ahead and make your husband the heavy. In the first place, you obviously need your husband’s support in order to solve this problem, and he obviously doesn’t mind giving it. Furthermore, it will profit Daniel greatly to know that his parents are in complete accord on the matter of his discipline.
My experience as the father of a boy who was 9.5 on the strong-willed scale led me to conclude, somewhat belatedly, that the successful discipline of the average male child requires a strong male hand, especially during adolescence. My wife, initially preferring a more “understanding” approach, eventually concurred with me when it became obvious to her that the maternal instinct is not well-suited to dealing with the inclinations of the typical male teen. We expanded this principle to include the inclinations of the female teen when our daughter entered adolescence. As David Blankenhorn points out in “Fatherless America,” the socialization of the adolescent is most successfully accomplished when the male parent is on the front lines where discipline is concerned.
My plan is simple and most effective. Best of all, my experience leads me to assure you that if you are consistent, you will solve this problem in no time at all. Whenever Daniel (a) addresses you disrespectfully (in word or in tone), (b) ignores you when you speak, (c) defies an instruction, or (d) does anything else to annoy you, tell him that he has a choice: He can either go to his room for one hour, or he can refuse. In the latter case, or if he goes to his room but does not remain quietly for one full hour (i.e. 59 minutes), you will not make any attempt whatsoever to make him serve his punishment. Rather, you will simply shrug your shoulders and tell his father when he returns from that week’s trip, in which case his father will enforce much worse punishments on the weekend.
The first time Daniel refuses to serve a full hour in his room, he loses the weekend privilege he values most (i.e. leaving the house to be with friends). The second time such a refusal occurs, he loses his second-most valued weekend privilege (i.e. having friends over). The third time, he loses all weekend privileges and is confined to his room from the time Dad gets home until school on Monday and goes to bed, lights out, at 8 every night.
The success of this plan, which has proved itself on many a Daniel and Danielle, depends on your nonchalant consistency. In short, you must never threaten, warn or otherwise waffle. If, for example, he ignores you, simply say, “That’ll cost you an hour in your room, Daniel.” If he protests that he didn’t hear you, say, “Then you’d better tune your ears to the frequency of my voice.” If he says you’re not being fair, and he won’t go to his room, say, “Oh, that’s OK. I’ll just make a note to tell your father about this.” If Daniel then apologizes and tells you he’ll go to his room, say, “I accept your apology, and you can go to your room if you want to, but you initially refused to go, so I’m going to tell your father anyway.”
This is known as being “mean,” which children think their parents are when they discover their parents mean exactly what they say.
Enjoy!