As Good Citizens, We Urgently Need Pittsburgh To Win

Super Bowl XXX is D-day in America. We either will move ahead as a progressive society by celebrating the wonderful achievement of a group of hardworking, highly skilled football players or - in an attack on our culture more sustained and more insufferable than “Hee Haw” - Dallas will win.

Let me tell you: If the Cowboys are America’s Team, I am officially an expatriate.

Still, as you should know by now, Dallas cannot - and will not - win today. But more on that later.

First - as is our usual custom this time of year - let’s address the most compelling inquiries about the Super Bowl:

Q. How is it that college football’s title game and pro football’s title game came to be played in Tempe, Ariz., the same month?

A. This is a foul-up of major proportions, surpassed only by the Royal Caribbean people booking Gallagher and Carrot Top on the same cruise ship in the winter of ‘94. Tempe? TEMPE? Believe you me, folks, if I were having a torrid, steamy affair with a voluptuous showgirl in Tempe, I’d leave her for a narcoleptic meat packer in Talladega.

Q. Anything we should look for during NBC’s pregame show?

A. When Joe Montana speaks, think of it as a high-tech version of “dead air.”

Q. Who’s singing the “Star-Spangled Banner” this year?

A. Vanessa Williams. (Note: For the seventh straight year, the NFL declined my request that the national anthem be performed by Zamfir, Master of the Pan Flute.)

Q. Might you go to Art Donovan’s house for the Super Bowl?

A. I don’t go anywhere Chris Berman has been.

Q. Can we expect the unexpected from the best cornerback on the face of the planet?

A. Rod Woodson is still hobbled by his knee injury and should not be much of a factor.

Q. And how about Deion?

A. Expect his usual numbers: Three commercials, two high steps, one tackle.

Q. Can you give us some “inside dope” on Michael Irvin?

A. True story: I was in the express checkout line of a Plantation, Fla., supermarket last April. I thought I had good position. But just as I was approaching the register, Irvin jumps in front of me and, with his shopping cart, pushes my shopping cart out of the way. I complained - I even asked the store manager to check the video from the security cameras - but the cashier says he saw nothing.

Q. What is the best thing about MTV’s “The Grind?”

A. No audio necessary.

Q. How many Cowboys does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Two - Jerry Jones to shout out the order and Skip Bayless to explain how he did it under the salary cap.

Q. Gotta Be Domino’s?

A. Gotta Be Desperate.

Q. So, then, what’s a good thing to eat while watching the Super Bowl telecast?

A. As always, during the game The Man recommends a nice Hungarian braised pork stew with a side dish of baked acorn squash and raspberry-cream bombe dessert. For the postgame, peanuts are good.

Q. What do you think of Dallas?

A. I don’t much like Dallas. I don’t like the players, I don’t like the team, I don’t like the helmets, I don’t like the owner, I don’t like the city. I mean, you take away Six Flags Over Texas and all you’ve got left there are 600 saddle shops and no flags. And, frankly, if I ever saw Bill Bates walking toward me, I’d cross to the other side of the street before his chaw of tobacco hit the sidewalk.

Q. Are you the only person who feels this way?

A. What are you, nuts? The Cowboys’ own defensive line coach, John Blake, left the team during the playoffs to take a job in Oklahoma! What does that tell you? Dallas is to America as Father Guido Sarducci is to the Vatican.

Q. What’s the deal with all this hostility toward the Cowboys?

A. It’s simple. The Cowboys, and Jerry Jones in particular, need to learn that money can’t buy happiness, money can’t buy friends and money can’t buy Super Bowl titles. (It’s important to note, however, that money CAN buy Anna Nicole Smith.) The Cowboys are too rich, too ritzy, too gauche. It would be good for this country - and I realize my Friedrich Engels tendencies are showing through - if the farmhand working the land could beat the farm lord running the ranch. Go Steelers!

Q. So, who exactly does The Man like in Super Bowl XXX?

A. Haven’t you been paying attention, for crying out loud? My themes of recent weeks have been: (1) The Cowboys are the best team, but they cannot - and will not - win the Super Bowl; (2) This is the year the AFC ends its 11-year slide in the Super Bowl; (3) In a season of improbability, we’re going to get an improbable ending. The Steelers are 13-point underdogs. They not only will cover the spread, they will win the game. They not only will win the game, they’ll win it in improbable fashion. I can’t discuss exactly how - at press time, the NFL was still polishing the final script - but I can tell you it likely will involve a gadget play, a yardage marker, a food stain on a uniform, plus Leon Lett AND Franco Harris.

Last week: 1-1.

Season record: 122-117-8.