Why Can’t We Just Be Happy?

“I’ve worked in my husband’s medical equipment office for 10 years now - the best years of my life - and I’m fed up. I want out, but he won’t let me quit,” sighs Alice, 41, the mother of two.

This was supposed to be a temporary arrangement, Alice explains, until Harold could get his dream-come-true business off the ground. But the weeks stretched into months and then years.

“I regret so many things,” Alice continues. “I gave up my own dream of being a commercial artist - I put myself through art school but placed my career on hold for Harold’s - and I regret not spending time with the kids.”

Now Mary, their 12-year-old, is painfully shy and has very few friends. Tom, 14, is doing poorly in school. “I’m afraid he’s fallen into a bad crowd, and I’d bet anything he’s smoking pot.”

Harold seems strangely dispassionate about this - and everything in their marriage. The happiness they had in the early years is long gone. Alice states: “We thought we had so much in common. We both grew up in foster homes and desperately wanted a family to love.” But their home, which Alice despises because it is small and dreary - “Harold refuses to spend any money on our house but pours all of it into the business” - is filled with criticism and, of late, stony silence. They haven’t made love in over a year and Alice says she doesn’t want to.

When a friend suggested counseling, Alice made the call: “But only as a last resort.”

Harold, a distinguished-looking man of 45, is as unhappy as his wife - and as aware that their marriage is in serious trouble. “I owe Alice a great deal,” he says. “I never could have accomplished professionally all that I did without Alice’s help.”

In the office, they work together like a machine. Her personality changes as soon as she sits down at a desk. “She’s actually efficient, calm and neat.” But home is another story. “Our family life is chaotic,” he insists. The house, Harold claims, is a mess, since Alice never does any housework, nor does she do anything to discipline the children.

Harold knows he puts in too many hours at the office, but it’s the only refuge he can find. “Do you know what it’s like to come home to a woman who tenses up if I touch her? Do you know what it’s like not to have sex for months on end?” he asks. Harold wants to save his marriage - but he doesn’t have a clue about what has gone wrong and is intimidated by counseling.

Nine reasons to seek professional help

“Both Alice and Harold are depressed and out of touch with their feelings,” notes Edward C. Peacock, a Los Angeles marriage counselor. “With feelings of rejection buried so deep, it may take time to work through all their personal as well as marital issues.

“These two should have come for counseling years ago, but for many couples, the decision to seek help can be frightening, especially when the world looks so bleak. But the fact that they are both committed to doing so is a key factor in their recovery.”

Do problems in your marriage seem overwhelming? Consider these reasons professional counseling:

You and your spouse have trouble communicating. You talk, but he doesn’t listen. He says he listens, but you never shut up.

You and your spouse can’t stop bickering, and small disagreements have a way of escalating into large battles.

You and your spouse are currently facing a serious crisis, such as illness in the family or job loss.

You and your spouse argue constantly over other family members - your parents or his, children, stepchildren or ex-wife.

Disciplining the children is a source of disagreements.

Sexual issues cause battles - or you’ve lost all desire for each other.

You feel bored, stifled, unloved or taken for granted by your spouse.

You can’t trust your spouse to be there for you.

You’re miserable in your marriage, but you can’t put your finger on why.

Alice and Harold showed courage in going to a counselor, and this action reassured them both that their marriage was worth saving. Although much work needs to be done in more than one area of their relationship, the job has begun, and they are both relieved.