Enter 60s With An Open Mind
The 60s have changed just as dramatically as the earlier stages of middle life. People who used to be considered old at 65 are usually still in their prime at that age today.
Resilience is probably the most important protection we can take with us into the Age of Integrity (60 to 85).
An impressive study of the sources of well-being in men at 65 found that by that age the harbinger of emotional health in men was not a stable childhood or a high-flying career. Rather, it was much more important to have developed an ability to handle life’s accidents and conflicts without passivity, blaming or bitterness.
Self-mastery also allows us to develop a deeper appreciation for the complexity of human life. As psychologist Thomas Moore writes in his book, “Care of the Soul”: “Often care of the soul means not taking sides when there is a conflict at a deep level. It may be necessary to stretch the heart wide enough to embrace contradiction and paradox.”
The outstretched heart and open mind also seem to be important in the endurance of the centenarians. They view the world with bemused detachment and very little bitterness. Rather than be dogmatic, they are still curious, still absorbing, and accepting of the new.
But let’s be honest. “Openness to change” is one of those totems to which we pay lip service. In practice most of my efforts, and probably yours, as we slouch toward the third age, go into maximizing our control, trying to know it all, reducing the necessity to change and the inclination to risk. And in this grasping for control, something very precious we had as children is lost: the exposure to surprise.
For men in particular, “Ennui, emptiness, is the constant enemy that circumvents the aging man in every sort of way …,” as the 19th-century artist Eugene Delacroix mused in a letter he wrote at the age of 57.
Paradoxically, the problem of regaining playfulness and curiosity is exaggerated for those who have a history of success in the world. Earlier in their careers they could stumble and get away with it. But by their 60s they often find themselves on pedestals and feel apprehensive about stepping off to start something new. They become burdened by the chores of maintaining and polishing their own reputations for posterity. Highly successful people have usually made work central to their lives. They may still enjoy their work, but often they can’t seem to figure out how to let themselves play.
One of the most daunting aspects of the 60s for women is the likely transition to living on their own. More than 9 million elderly Americans live alone; 78 percent of them are women.
Survivors of late divorce, separation or widowhood, who responded to a survey I did for New Woman magazine, admitted having to deal with fear and loneliness at times. But each small step toward autonomy further grounds them with a gathering sense of mastery and the “firm sense of self” they have come to late. The dramatic difference between “who I was then and who I am now” is a large part of what makes them look back on their life journeys as special.
An Indiana woman spoke for many: “I don’t know what old is. I have no idea. I still stand on my head. I love the way I look now. I have my own apartment, I can pay my own rent, I have my first car. I feel like I’ve re-created myself.”
These survivors expect to be even more self-confident as they proceed through their 60s, and most look forward to being serene and ready for new challenges.
The women survivors I have interviewed all talk about the importance of breaking taboos, taking risks, bursting out of other people’s expectations, being sexually adventurous, and learning to love leading their lives by their own lights.
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The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Gail Sheehy Universal Press Syndicate