Cheap Seats

Somebody call CPS

ESPN “SportsCenter” anchor Linda Cohn balances career with family. Sometimes, she has a little help from her friends. Cohn often brings young son Daniel onto the set, where he can sleep through a Sunday morning “SportsCenter” shift. While Uncle Dan, or Uncle Charley, or Uncle Keith are all willing participants in the baby-sitters’ club, Cohn is careful.

“I mean this in a nice way, but I’d think twice about leaving my kids with any of those guys for any extended period,” she said. “My fear is by the time Daniel is six months old, he’ll be saying, ‘From way downtown - BANG!’ I don’t need that.”

But television has already affected Daniel, who landed a cameo in one of the SportsCenter ads, a takeoff of the “We Are The World” studio chorus. One prospective ad talks about what a great family atmosphere it is at ESPN, before showing Dennis Rodman as the company’s day-care center leader.

Mug shots are better left to the cops

Mariners ace Randy Johnson, an accomplished photographer, has contracted with Pinnacle Card Co. to photograph major leaguers. His first two subjects, Cal Ripken and Roberto Alomar, happily obliged.

“But I wonder what will happen when I ask Albert Belle,” Johnson mused. “Maybe he’ll think that he has to or that I’ll remember the next time he comes to the plate against me.”

Or maybe he’ll break the lens.

Making him old enough to be his own father

Giants exec Brian Sabean reacted strongly to Florida GM Dave Dombrowski’s claim that Cuban refugee Osvaldo Fernandez is 42 years old instead of 27.

“If he’s 42, I’m a Chinese aviator,” Sabean said, adjusting his goggles. “Tell him to worry about his own guys. Tell him to worry about (Cuban defector) Livan Hernandez, who had to be sent to Double-A.”

Dombrowski said he has a 42-year-old friend in Miami who went to school with Fernandez.

Don’t quit your day job

On display at the Gene Autry Western Heritage Museum is a letter from an unnamed Yankees scout to team exec Ed Barrow. The 1937 letter pertains to a prospect named Ted Williams.

“Williams is a very slow lad, not a good outfielder,” the letter reads. “There is a big doubt whether Williams will ever be fast enough to get by in the majors as an outfielder.

“His best feature now is that he shows promise as a hitter, but good pitching so far has stopped him cold.”

Football renaissance man

Kevin Greene isn’t sure what he’ll do when his NFL career ends, but the linebacker has a few ideas.

“I guess I’ll end up in a park somewhere late at night and clip somebody while they’re drinking water out of a fountain,” he said. “I’ll just come out of the woods with face paint on or something. Or maybe I’ll go low-crawling through the bushes, with a helmet on.”

Good to see he has something to fall back on.

The last word …

“I was going to ask Hayden if there’s an ‘East-consin’ as well as ‘West-consin.”’ - Northwestern football coach Gary Barnett, parodying Iowa coach Hayden Fry

, DataTimes