Do The Right Thing Civilized Society Needs A Code Of Etiquette - From Politics To Crime, Manners Play A Role

Miss Manners knew years ago that trouble was coming but is much too polite to thumb her pert nose and announce, “I told you so.”

She knew that we’d eventually tire of living in an uncivilized society. She watched, a hanky delicately pressed to her lips, as politeness and good manners began to erode with the social upheaval of the 1960s. Idealism, individuality and the notion of making one’s own social code replaced etiquette.

“I don’t trust people to make up their own etiquette,” said Miss Manners, aka Judith Martin, while visiting Sacramento the other day. “They will turn weddings into fundraisers, and at a funeral they will tell the bereaved that the death was the fault of the deceased for not taking better care of himself.”

When the bereaved then bursts into tears, she said, the self-trained diplomat will offer congratulations on his or her ability to work through the pain.

“Now, at last, people are calling for a return to civility,” Miss Manners said with a definite “told you so” smile.

And Miss Manners, the nationally syndicated columnist whose etiquette advice appears in more than 200 newspapers nationwide, is happy to lead the way.

Her fifth and latest book, “Miss Manners Rescues Civilization: From Sexual Harassment, Frivolous Lawsuits, Dissing and Other Lapses in Civility” (Crown Publishers, $30), will be on the shelves this month. She has declared that the week of June 24 be set aside to promote national civility, to coincide with the book’s publication.

“Given the choice, people will naturally drop the courtesies they find inconvenient or incomprehensible without regard to other points of view and without exploring possible social consequences,” she writes in the new book. The activities basic to society “cannot proceed unless everybody knows and agrees to obey the same specific etiquette rules that provide orderliness and fairness.”

The current lack of good manners, she said, is harshly evident in the increase of so-called “senseless” crimes and has become an issue in this year’s political campaigning. Several months ago, Miss Manners wrote about the lack of politeness in politics. The column was prompted by letters from fans, whom she calls Gentle Readers, weary of the mud-slinging and name-calling practiced by elected officials. Martin calls that behavior “etiquette impairment among politicians.”

The point she made in her column was that for people of differing opinions and needs to form policy, they must be able to work together. That requires respect, give-and-take and consensus.

“A political campaign is a job interview,” she said. “You need to be able to get along with people you disagree with, be able to hammer out policies that will make government and society work. The whole country is fed up with abrasiveness, with the name-calling and rudeness. You have to restrain yourself to have a pleasant society.

“The people are concerned about this, and the astute politicians are, too.”

She will not name the rude politicians because, well, that would be rude. The ideal, mannered candidates, she said, can speak forcibly about why he or she should be elected and can attack opposing views head-on but in a way that makes citizens want to vote for them.

Martin, 57, writes her column in the third person, but she speaks directly with none of the Victorian phrasing common to her writing. She does, however, wear her nearly white hair in the little French twist that has become her trademark. And she sits with her legs crossed at the ankles, never at the knees, and her hands folded in her lap. When she speaks, her green eyes are fixed on the eyes of her fellow conversant. She laughs in all the right places, shows concern when necessary. That’s just good manners. She claims to be stuffy and prudish but is, in fact, charming and quite funny.

Asked if being the maven of good manners intimidates other people, she laughed and said, “I certainly hope so.”

Her husband is a scientist and a playwright. According to the biography provided by her book publisher, they have “two perfect children.”

It is not true that Martin majored in Gracious Living at Wellesley College. That was a small joke that has taken on a life of its own. She majored in English. She began writing about etiquette in 1978, while a reporter for The Washington Post. She soon realized that good manners went hand-in-white-glove with social issues.

Etiquette once served as a gentle partner of the law, she said, but then Americans came to believe that any behavior not restrained by the law was OK and began to deal with it by either shooting or suing their offenders.

“We have tried the idea of living by the law alone, and it didn’t work,” she said.

“People are full of rage at the way they’re treated. I’ve been tracking these stories for years. ‘He dissed me,’ meaning he disrespected me. ‘He pushed me.’ These are violations of etiquette. And people who swear they care nothing about etiquette will go into a blind rage when somebody cuts them off on the freeway. We all have a very deep sense of fairness,” she said.

And we’re killing each other over matters that are simply breaches of etiquette. They’re called senseless crimes. (“Sensible crimes,” she said, “are those over love or money.”) However, people living in a civil society must restrain themselves and not act impulsively, she said.

As for whether Miss Manners will be able to rescue civilization, as her book promises, Martin said, “I think I will, but I can’t do it alone.

“I was brought up to behave in a certain way. That was called child-rearing, the way that every child, rich or poor, was expected to behave. One of the charges against etiquette is that it’s prudish and artificial. That’s all right, but when people say it’s elitist, I get angry.”

The poorest Southern families dress in their finery and remove their hat at Sunday dinner, she said. “Parents now have a misplaced idealism that teaching manners to their children will inhibit them. But that’s how we civilize them,” she said.