Bachelor Should Put Uneasy Feelings At Rest

‘Years ago I used to notice the differences among motormen on the Indiana Avenue streetcar line in Chicago, a street often blocked by badly parked cars and huge trailer trucks backing into warehouses and maneuvering in everybody’s way.

“Some motormen seemed to expect to be able to drive down Indiana Avenue without interruption. Every time they got blocked, they would get steamed up with rage, clang their bells and lean out of their cars to shout at the truck drivers. At the end of a day these motormen must have been nervous wrecks; I can imagine them coming home at the end of the day, jittery and hypertensive, a menace to their wives and children.

“Other motormen, however, seemed to expect Indiana Avenue to be heavily blocked - a realistic expectation, because it usually was. They could sit and wait for minutes without impatience, calmly whistling a tune, cleaning their fingernails, or writing their reports. In other words, confronting the same objective situation.

“Some motormen lived a hellish life of anger and nervous tension; other motormen had a nice, relaxing job, with plenty of time for rest.” - S.I. Hayakawa

Dear Jennifer: I’m a 32-year-old single male. I’ve never been deeply involved with a woman. It seems that every time I do meet a woman I might be interested in, I tend to back off.

The thought of getting involved and possibly marrying scares me. But it’s not that I don’t want to get married and have a family; it’s the idea of sharing my life after being single for such a long time.

I work in a well-paying job with very long and erratic hours, a job that doesn’t contribute to a very good home life with a family. I also like to do things by myself, like taking long car rides and hiking or camping out.

Maybe these are excuses, but I need to know.

Does living alone for a long time make the possibility of a successful marriage risky? If I do get married, I want it to be a success. I’ve witnessed too many broken marriages.

You’re the first person I ever explained my feelings about marriage to. I get pressure from family and friends to get married.

I don’t want to be pressured into a failed marriage, but if you think I might be a “confirmed” bachelor, I’ll try not to worry about this anymore. Sincerely, Alan

Dear Alan: You don’t mention having developed any long-term relationships with women. You are clearly ambivalent. Why not let it ride? If you find someone you want to marry later, you two can seek premarital counseling to check out your ability to share and negotiate.

If you don’t decide to marry, enjoy the interesting life you’ve put together for yourself. The only problem with being single by choice is the cultural pressure to marry.

You can just smile and resist it like James Stewart, who didn’t marry until he was 41.

I don’t think “confirmed” bachelors exist except as priests, and some of them change their minds. - Jennifer

Dear Jennifer: Unfortunately there is no place that teaches us how to care for older people and gives us general guidelines to consider when facing the dilemma of age-related changes in older relatives; the decisions that need to be made; the importance of involving all family members, including the older person, in the decision-making process; and when to step in and when to back off and respect the elderly’s independence and autonomy.

In addition, family history and relations often get in the way and create considerable conflict.

All of these issues cause a great deal of turmoil in caregivers to the point of burnout, physical and emotional exhaustion and often illness in caregivers themselves. Caregiving is an extremely demanding job. It cannot be done alone.

Jennifer, please encourage caregivers not to forget to take care of themselves. Often their personal needs and the need for rest, friends and/or time alone are put aside to care for their loved one.

For the loved one, respite means the delay of nursing-home placement and is therefore a cost-effective alternative.

Secondly, the importance of caregiver support groups cannot be overemphasized. It is a place to come together with others in a similar situation.

All of our participants in the group agree that seeking the support group has empowered and enabled them to better cope with their own unique situation. - Director, Homecare Relief

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The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Jennifer James The Spokesman-Review