Cheap Seats

He scores, and he scooooooooorrrrrres!

When Claudio Caniggia joined Diego Maradona’s Boca Juniors soccer team last year, Maradona vowed to kiss him every time he scored. But the sight of the Argentinian players locking lips proved too much for many when Maradona followed through on his pledge against Velez Sarsfield last Sunday.

“I don’t agree with two men kissing each other on the lips,” said Jose Luis Chilavert, the opposing goalkeeper. “Football is cause for joy, but let’s not confuse matters.”

The kiss even caused ripples across the Andes in Chile, where it was widely reported. “This type of thing wouldn’t happen in Chile,” said National coach Nelson Acosta, who called the lip lock “lamentable.”

Maradona, one of soccer’s top players until he was suspended for flunking a drug test, threw his arms around Caniggia and planted the kiss after Caniggia scored and early goal. The euphoria proved shortlived, however, as Maradona’s team gave up five goals, and Diego was ejected for arguing with the referee.

Diego needs to work on kissing up to the ref.

A new suit in 20 minutes - I guarantee it

In a span of 20 minutes Wednesday, Dodgers reliever Chan Ho Park went from pitching savior to hitting hero to clubhouse goat. Park pitched three hitless innings against Chicago, and drove in the winning run with two outs in the 13th. Then he noticed the suit.

Park was sitting in front of his locker, talking to reporters, when he suddenly noticed his beautiful suit. It was ruined, the pants legs and jacket sleeves cut off. Hanging in its place was a funky disco outfit.

It’s a traditional prank in most clubhouses, but Park wouldn’t play along. He hurled his plate of mushrooms into the air, demanded to know who had ruined his clothes, slammed a chair against his locker and screamed obscenities. He put on his sunglasses, tossed the disco outfit into the trash and sat staring ahead.

Teammate Mike Piazza tried to explain the tradition, as did manager Tom Lasorda. But Park left for the team charter wearing the pants he had worn during the game, along with his warmup jacket and sunglasses.

Let’s hope they saved a seat for Park - in the “no class” section.

Hall of Fame Excuses, Part I

Nancy Lopez has finished second three times in the U.S. Open for women, but has never won - though she insists if her zipper hadn’t broken on the first hole in 1977 she could have beaten Hollis Stacy.

“I spent the whole day worrying about whether someone would see my underwear,” Lopez said.

Don’t forget to write

Royals pitcher Tim Belcher left a typed message on his locker for reporters after he was ejected from a recent game, and Paul Sullivan of the Chicago Tribune sees it as a breakthrough for reporters on a tight deadline.

“Even a written ‘no comment’ would be better than waiting 10 minutes to get brushed off,” he wrote.

Or in Albert Belle’s case, no #!@@*%#! comment.

The last word …

“Chances are you’ll never see Chan Ho Park at the beach in cutoffs.”

- Michael Ventre, Los Angeles Daily News columnist

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: Photo