Children Are Really Not That Manipulative

Question: When he’s upset about something or after we reprimand him, our 9-year-old will often say things like “I’m no good,” “I’m stupid” or “I can’t do anything right.” The thing is, he’s fairly smart and his occasional misbehavior is no big deal. We checked with his teacher who described him as a “very normal, happy fella.” Like other boys his age, he sometimes gets into arguments with his peers, but the hard feelings don’t last. We’ve talked ourselves blue in the face trying to get to the bottom of the problem and build his self-esteem. He can’t explain why he feels the way he does and seems to appreciate our reassurances. Nonetheless, as soon as he gets upset about something, it’s back to “I’m no good.” Help!

Answer: Proverbs, the greatest psychology book ever written, says, “Foolishness is bound in the heart of the child.” This means children can be counted upon to do and say incomprehensible things, things which bear no relationship whatsoever to the facts of their upbringings or their lives. Many a child, my own two included, has blurted out something along the lines of “I’m stupid.” I’m convinced that in most cases this is just foolishness.

The problem is that if a child blurts out something along the lines of “I’m stupid,” and his parents demonstrate great concern, a “repeat performance” becomes that much more likely. The parents’ anxiety creates a mini-soap opera with the child as the central character. For some mysterious reason, once a soap opera of this sort develops around a child, the child will often act compelled to re-create it over and over again. “For attention” is the stock explanation, but I think that’s simplistic. The fact is, children are not nearly that manipulative.

The further problem is that the more self-critical remarks a child makes about himself, the more likely it is they will eventually become permanent features of his selfconcept. It’s as if the child unwittingly “programs” himself to believe he’s bad, stupid, etc., even when all the evidence is to the contrary.

Children require discipline along many lines, the most obvious being that of their social behavior. But children mis-emote as well as mis-behave. When a child seems incapable of controlling his or her emotional expressions, and when those emotions are clearly inappropriate to the situation, discipline (but not necessarily punishment) is called for. I sense that you’ve become intimidated by your son’s self-critical remarks, and that your intimidation is fogging your ability to see that he is in need of discipline.

Stop giving so much credence to his outbursts. You were right to be concerned, and right to investigate. You’d also be right to take your own and the teacher’s assessments at face value. Conclusion: Your son has no legitimate reason to think he’s stupid, etc.; therefore, it’s time to put a lid on it. Consider his outbursts as tantamount to a “tantrum” that’s gone on too long. He can no longer control it, so you’re going to have to step in.

Sit down with your son when the iron isn’t hot and say something along these lines: “We’ve decided you’re developing a bad habit of saying bad things about yourself like ‘I’m stupid’ and ‘I’m no good.’ You already know how we feel about those sorts of remarks, so we’re not going to talk about them anymore. If you’re upset about something, we’ll be glad to discuss it, but not if you’re going to say silly things like ‘I’m stupid.’ From now on, whenever you blurt out something like that, we’re going to take it to mean you need some time alone in your room to calm down. Sending you to your room isn’t punishment, but just a way of helping you cool off. When you’re ready to talk about what’s upsetting you without making silly remarks about yourself, you can come out and we’ll talk. Or, maybe you’ll just calm down and not need to talk. That’s OK, too.”

This conversation should be short and to the point. If in the midst of it he says, “But I am stupid!” say, “I guess you need some time in your room right now. You can come out when you’ve cooled off.” If you’re successful at projecting a fairly dispassionate attitude toward his “foolishness,” my experience tells me it should all but disappear within a month or so.

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = John Rosemond Charlotte Observer