We Cannot Stop Fighting Each Other

“I can’t live with this man one more minute,” says Gail, 38, as she slowly twists a tissue in her hand. “I love Roy very much. We’ve been married for eight years, and we’re good for each other in so many ways. But from morning until night, we’re battling.” Gail admits it’s hard to imagine how two people who love each other can treat each other so horribly. “The problem is, neither of us knows how to break the cycle.”

College dropouts from the ‘60s, Gail and Roy met at work. They were both trying to earn enough money to pursue their respective dreams - she to return to college and get a teaching credential, he to become a writer. Kindred spirits, they nurtured the image of themselves as starving artists, a notion that was both a strength and a weakness.

Lately, it seems, no matter what Gail says or how she says it, Roy takes it wrong and they end up in a round of name calling and sarcastic barbs. “We argue about big things - like our finances or how Roy never wants to spend time with me anymore. And small things - like the fact that he leaves all the household chores up to me,” Gail continues.

Even worse is the way Roy becomes abusive after he’s had a drink. “At parties, he’ll humiliate and criticize me in front of others. When I was little, my mother made me feel I could never do anything right - if I spilled my milk, she acted like I did it on purpose to make her miserable. Well, with Roy I feel as rejected and demeaned as I did when I was young.”

Roy, 45, a muscular man with a dark beard, feels as alienated as his wife. “Gail has changed,” he insists. “She doesn’t trust me with anything, and her constant criticism makes me feel stupid. Nothing I do is good enough. I bought her a beautiful bathrobe for Christmas, and she returned it.”

Life with Gail, Roy adds, is beginning to seem a lot like life with his ex-wife. “I feel stifled,” he says. “I can’t even go to a play or poetry reading by myself. Can’t she see there are times when I just want to be alone?”

Besides, he adds rhetorically, when she treats him like dirt, why would he even want to be around her? “She’s like a water faucet you can’t turn off.”

Dance of anger: Changing the beat

“Disappointment and anger are the themes of this couple’s marital life,” notes Miriam Galper-Cohen, a marriage counselor in Philadelphia. “Gail was bitter and disappointed because of Roy’s lack of compassion for her. His sarcasm and mocking tone trigger her anxieties about being alone and unloved. In defense, she badgers him and becomes extremely critical as her mother was with her.

“On the other hand, Roy feels so cheated by Gail’s lack of appreciation for him, and so tormented by her belittling remarks, that he sees divorce as his only means of escape. This vicious circle of blame and criticism can be difficult to break.”

Although fighting is this couple’s only real way of communicating, they are at least connecting - better than just distancing themselves from each other. Recognizing the pattern is the first step in disengaging from flaring arguments. The second: Set rules defining off-limits behavior. By avoiding the following incendiary behaviors, Roy and Gail learned to keep their cool:

Exaggeration: Stick to the facts. If your spouse was late meeting you one night, don’t insist that he always keeps you waiting at least an hour.

Generalizations: One mistake does not a character flaw make. If a spouse doesn’t fulfill household responsibilities one day, don’t announce that he’s a slob who always passes the buck.

Name calling: Start in with nasty names and you immediately put someone on the defensive and sabotage any hope for a civilized discussion.

Replaying history: Concentrate on the current problem, not what happened last year or 10 years ago.

In time, Gail and Roy learned to listen to each other, stick to the facts and acknowledge the part they each play in continuing the cycle of anger. Gail stopped the nagging that was pushing her husband farther away. As soon as she stopped criticizing, Roy felt freer to move closer. He finally admitted that his drinking was out of control, and he is now enrolled in Alcoholics Anonymous.