Cheap Seats
One if by fastball, two if by sea
An outfielder dazed by too much sun or a batter beaned by a pitch might think the field was tilting underneath him. But for some Massachusetts Maritime Academy baseball players, the feeling is routine. They started preseason workouts on a freighter in the Atlantic.
Cadets must spend six months aboard the training ship as undergrads to qualify for officers’ licenses.
“Other teams have been indoors,” said pitcher Joe Caproni before leaving the 547-foot freighter Patriot State. “We have an entirely different element to contend with - the Atlantic can be pretty rough.”
Just throwing and catching is a challenge when the ocean rocks the entire playing field - a forward deck dominated by three huge hatch covers. And the sea claimed 21 of the team’s 25 balls.
So between stops in the Canary Islands, Italy and Spain, the game became “hatchball.” Broomsticks served as bats and duct-taped socks as balls.
“Hit a ball overboard and you’re out,” said shortstop Patrick Rooney. “And you get 20 pushups.”
Would you call these TV awards the Enmities?
We don’t see them on a regular basis, and Los Angeles Daily News sports-on-TV critic Tom Hoffarth’s awards for Dizzyland’s worst color analysts make us glad we don’t. From his bottom five:
1. Mike Warren, UCLA basketball: “Remember that episode of ‘Hill Street Blues’ when Warren and Ed Marinaro got in trouble for putting decaf in Daniel J. Travanti’s coffee mug? I don’t either. Warren’s broadcast career has been about as memorable.”
2. Bob Starr, Angels radio: “He’s the guy driving home in the fast lane of the freeway with his left-turn signal on for the last 14 miles. Honk at him, and he waves back because he thinks you recognize him.”
4. Mike Lamb, USC basketball: “What he lacks in hoop experience, he makes up for with his appetite at the weekly Trojan luncheons.”
5. Hubie Brown, Clippers TV: “Consider: 1) He’s a New Yorker; 2) He talks as if he knows everything; 3) He’s obnoxious; 4) He’s an obnoxious New Yorker who talks as if he knows everything.”
Double fantasy
The Colorado Rockies had to hunt for pants big enough for rookie Derrick Gibson, a 21-year-old with a 40-inch waist who hit 32 home runs and stole 31 bases for Class A Asheville last season.
“Luckily, I had pants left over from the Fantasy Camp,” said equipment manager Dan McGinn.
No geography majors in WAC
Expansion to 16 teams will force the Western Athletic Conference to split into divisions - and some genius has come up with “Pacific” and “Mountain.”
“They reflect the magnificent geography and natural beauty which have long been trademarks of the WAC,” said commissioner Karl Benson.
Uh-huh. Except that the beachfront schools of Air Force, Colorado State and Wyoming will be in the Pacific division, while nestled-in-the-Rockies Rice, SMU, TCU and Tulsa will be in the Mountain.
The last word …
“The man who replaces Bob Knight or Dean Smith or John Thompson will have to share the job with ghosts. The coach who replaces Lou Henson will not even have to share a barber.”
- Chicago Tribune columnist Bernie Lincicome
, DataTimes