Who Needs Torture? Try A College Application

Wed., March 6, 1996

Dmitri Arbacauskas Central Vall

Well seniors, that wonderful time of year has arrived - college application time. It’s the one form of torture I’m sure was invented during the Spanish Inquisition. I can just see the torturers now…

Torturer: “If you do not confess, we will make you fill out this application to WSU - typed, with essay, in triplicate!”

Prisoner: “NOOOOOoooooooo!!!!”

Now, the average college application is four pages long and has more questions than the SAT. Yet, some sections can be quiet interesting. Consider:

Racial and Ethnic Information

37. What race do you consider yourself? (Circle one)

Asian. Native American. Caucasian. African American. Samoan. Extraterrestrial. Any relation or close, personal friend of Bob Hope

Even more amazing is the redundancy of some of the application questions.

40. Have you ever attended a school outside the U.S.?

41. Have you ever attended a school inside the U.S.?

42. Have you ever considered attending a school inside the U.S.?

43. Have you ever considered attending, but then changed your mind, thought about it for a while, consulted your psychologist, and then attended a school inside the U.S.?

And so on. Better yet, there are all the tests that these people want you to take before you can even come near an application. They want your SAT, your ACT, your IRS and the results of every spelling quiz you’ve taken since kindergarten.

Now for the kicker. The one thing we all know and hate about applications … the Essay Question!! (Insert scream here.)

Here are a couple of basic types.

Liberal Arts College: In a brief descriptive manner, tell us why you are politically correct, how many social groups you support, how you’d like to see your government enlarged and why you adore every word that Clinton says.

Community College: Write something.

Sports College: What is 2 plus 2?

Ivy League: (To preserve your sanity, this 1,000-word question was re-phrased for the general public) What is your name?

In the end, of course, it’s all for a worthwhile cause. After all, who wouldn’t want to spend 10 to 20 thousand dollars a year for four years, striving desperately to earn a degree that may not even help you in real life?

Of course, things could be worse. You could be flipping burgers at the local greaseburger joint.

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Dmitri Arbacauskas Central Valley

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