Maintain Your Territorial Integrity
Dear Miss Manners: I am an older lady, and I go to church a little early each Sunday so that I can sit at the end of a pew next to the aisle. I graciously stand to allow others to enter the pew.
Quite often, people, particularly the ones rushing in late, want me to move over. Sometimes they are rude, especially when the congregation is standing and singing the first hymn.
Am I being rude to maintain my seat? I always move back in my place to allow them to pass in front of me.
Gentle Reader: Members of your congregation arrive late at church and begin their worshipping by snarling at pious older ladies during the hymns? Miss Manners can’t help thinking that your pastor certainly has his or her work cut out.
No, you are not being rude to keep your place when you graciously allow them to pass. Miss Manners supposes they are lucky not to encounter people like themselves, who might block their way (while singing God’s praise) and dare them to pass.
Dear Miss Manners: I have a friend who was married a couple of years ago, and I didn’t get around to sending a gift or card. I feel awful about it and wish to show that I do care. The time passed makes it more uncomfortable to do so, and I find myself avoiding him because of my embarrassment. How can I make things right?
Gentle Reader: Miss Manners can’t help feeling grimly satisfied that the omission of a courtesy has produced a sense of shame. That’s the way it is supposed to work.
Still, she’s not totally heartless and doesn’t want to see this go so far as to end a friendship. Send them an anniversary present. As the object is to please them rather than to excuse you, add warm wishes rather than lame apologies.
Dear Miss Manners: With the understanding that custom has two equal but opposite functions, facilitating cooperation and managing conflict, I propose two new customs in traffic manners: The Traffic Umbrella and the Drive-By Bye-Bye.
While seeking a parking place, where do you wait while another driver pulls out - directly behind the departing driver, or directly in front?
The latter option theoretically saves a few seconds in backing in once the other driver has left, but in practice, it is rude and impractical, for it makes the other driver’s job of pulling out slower, harder and more dangerous. If, instead, you wait behind, then your car serves as a shield against oncoming traffic - the Traffic Umbrella. The departure is easier, quicker and safer, and thus, everybody wins - the golden ideal of civilized life.
When some barbarian flashes the impudent digit at you, how best to retort? I suggest the Drive-By Bye-Bye: Simply wave “bye-bye” (a restrained wave, with right palm vertical, fingers flat together, pivoting at the knuckles) at the offending party. This simple gesture has a complex meaning. On the surface, it says, “Journey swiftly, O traveler. I take my leave of you.” But underneath that, it also says, “Go away, you maniac. You are not long for this world.” Thus we see the iron fist within the velvet glove - another artifact of civilization.
Any comments?
Gentle Reader: Yes. Welcome to the etiquette business, worthy colleague.
Dear Miss Manners: Being excited about so many things, I find myself offering books and magazines to people with similar interests. At what point is this bad manners?
Gentle Reader: At the point at which they start telling you they’re so delighted to have what you gave them and are really looking forward to reading it, but they’ve got so much piled up to read right now, they’re not sure when they’ll get to it, but thanks ever so much.
Miss Manners is afraid that this is the polite way of saying, “Please stop. I’m not all that interested.” In intellectual, as much as in other passions, it is essential to check frequently for signs of reciprocal enthusiasm.
The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Judith Martin United Features Syndicate