Keep Dreams In Reserve For When Some Are Broken

Dear Jennifer: Over the years I have greatly benefited from your wisdom, both from your column and your books. Some of the things I’ve been able to understand and overcome are destructive relationships, difficult jobs, parenting problems, depression and grief.

Recently I tried to return to graduate school but was not accepted. I have a contingency plan and I tried to take the setback in stride. Your column on discouragement came in handy.

Thanks again for your wisdom.

Sincerely, Marissa

Dear Marissa: Thank you for the hug. My mistakes still haunt me more than my successes cheer me, although I’m getting better at letting go of the failures and rejections and enjoying the compliments.

I looked up the word “wisdom” because I always duck when someone offers it to me. My Oxford dictionary defines it as “the combination of experience and knowledge; the essence or nature of God; knowledge of an abstruse kind, enlightenment, learning, erudition, sanity, reason.” I looked up abstruse; it means “hidden or secret.”

I once described wisdom as our collective learning through the ages. I meant all of us, as a culture and as a world. So I accept wisdom as “learning” and that is what we are all doing.

We put together a set of articles on discouragement if anyone wants one and we’ll send one to you. But you already know that the best thing is to take all the risks and always have a contingency plan.

My earliest memories are of setting up contingency plans, how to survive in this or that situation or circumstance. I have plans for everything that could possible happen to me, even unexpected death. I started making them explicit when I began to fly everywhere.

Why do some of us always have an alternative as an antidote to discouragement? I think it is both the good of a mind that thinks ahead and the bad of too many close calls as children. Whatever the background, we learned resilience.

Whenever your dreams seem broken, have a few in reserve. Myths and legends are often wonderful life guides. One of my favorites is the Phoenix that triumphs by rising from its own ashes, again and again.

Jennifer

Dear Jennifer: I’m sure our situation is familiar. My husband and I are considering being a childless couple, but it seems as if this will cause us to lose connections with many of our friends who have young children. We do like children, but for numerous reasons they may not be in our future. Do you have any suggestions for this transition period in our friendships? N.R.

Dear N.R.: It’s so good that we all have choices now about our lives. The problem is too many people don’t realize that we have options that once were not possible. So, you are pioneers in this new world and pioneers always get support from fellow travelers and sometimes harassment from those who don’t make the journey.

Your friends with small children will find themselves consumed for some years with their needs. Your option is to be an understanding and practical “aunt and uncle” by playing with the children when you visit, by inviting the whole family over or out, by making friends with the children as they grow and hoping for a few times for “just the adults.” You will only be rejected if you reject their choices, i.e. the children.

Tell everyone your philosophy, that your friends have great children and you want to be part of the village that raises them. Tell them that you don’t know whether you’ll have some or not, and it doesn’t matter to you so you assume it won’t to them.

Many of us with grown children now have friends with very young children. My friends just enjoy the new crop even when it’s hectic or messy. At some events I just take the kids for a walk or to another room to play so the adults can talk; I know my turn will come.

Friendship is built over time with shared experiences; we share what we have. Keep your sense of humor, don’t talk too much about your “independent life” or zero population growth and things might just be the way you want them to be.

Jennifer

Dear Readers: Thank you for all the wonderful and intelligent letters on population ethics. They arrived a week after those from the “I’ll do what I want regardless of the consequences” group. We may devote a whole page to your comments in the near future.

xxxx

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Jennifer James The Spokesman-Review