Doctor’s Rules Work Like Magic

Q. In a recent column, you advised communicating rules to older toddlers and 3-year-olds by telling them the rules are handed down from their physicians. That’s cute, and it might work on some cases, but I’m surprised that you would recommend lying to a child this age. When the child is older and discovers that the rules really come from Mommy and Daddy, won’t the child feel betrayed and won’t the child be that much more likely to distrust anything his parents ever tell him? Won’t it also make it more likely the child will fear doctors?

A. Before answering your questions, let me clarify the recommendation and explain the rationale behind it. Quite a few older toddlers and young threes have an almost knee-jerk tendency to be uncooperative when it comes to rules, directions and expectations laid down by their parents. By the time a child is 2, and sometimes earlier, the child has seen that his parents defer to the authority of his pediatrician (or the family physician) and has concluded albeit at an intuitive level that the doctor is someone whose commands cannot be questioned, much less challenged. In short, young children hold their doctors in awe, and this is true regardless of whether there is fear associated with them.

Telling this age child that a rule or instruction has been handed down from “the Doctor,” therefore, reduces the likelihood of resistance. Parents, who have used this technique consistently tell me that their children almost magically cooperate in such things as going to bed, picking up toys at a certain time of the day, and staying out of off-limits areas when the rule, etc. is prefaced with, “The Doctor says …”

I’ve discussed this with a number of pediatricians. None has raised any practical or philosophical objections to this verbal jujitsu. They’ve all agreed it’s a harmless way of avoiding potential power struggles, and several have pointed out that since they would undoubtedly be in favor of the rules and limits in question, parents who employ this method can hardly be accused of lying to their children. It is also beneficial for all concerned that children learn to cooperate with their parents at an early age.

I first tested this technique on my daughter, Amy, who is now a well-adjusted 23-year-old. She readily accepted these sorts of “explanations” and did not, when she was old enough to realize that the rules actually came from Mommy and Daddy, lose trust in us, become depressed, begin resenting or fearing her pediatrician, or have any other baleful reaction. I’ve since passed the technique on to hundreds of parents (thousands if you count readers of this column) and their feedback has been universally positive. They report consistent success and their children, once they’re old enough to realize the rules come from their parents, do not appear to suffer any “lying hangover” or exhibit “backlash.”

Let’s face it, if it was absolutely necessary to always represent the world accurately to young children, we’d read to them not from books about talking animals or fantastic creatures who perform fantastic feats, but from the encyclopedia. So, to summarize my answers to your questions:

In telling a child his doctor has established a certain rule, one is capitalizing on awe, not fear.

It’s only a shade removed from the complete truth, it’s certainly not lying in the conventional (harmful) sense of the term, and it doesn’t amount to taking unfair advantage of a child.

Future repercussions in terms of either a child’s attitude toward his parents or his physician don’t seem to be a problem.

You might also be interested to know that Amy, when we told her how we’d gotten her to cooperate when she was a wee one, thought it was hilarious. Who knows? Perhaps this technique helps children develop a good sense of humor. I do know this: It takes a parent with a good sense of humor to bring it off.

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