So … We Understand The Sky Is Big There

Montana has its shoulders hunched, its dander up and its dauber down.

The people of Montana have a right to feel plucked clean, with the Freemen staging their little snit in Jordan, and the Unabomber hacking bombs from spare tree parts in Lincoln. Seems like every time Peter Jennings reads the nightly news, he’s reporting on some new anti-social Montana wacko (except when he’s talking about some new anti-social Spokane wacko).

Well, it’s time for us outsiders to show our support for Montana. As an objective out-of-state observer, I hereby present Reasons Why I Think Montana Is The Best State In The Union Despite the Fact That It Contains Nuts, As If Your State Doesn’t:

Montana is big. It’s not some wimpy little state like Connecticut. Montana is so big that if you start in Libby and drive generally east, you’ll still be in Montana 746 miles later (somewhere around Ekalaka).

For comparison purposes, if you were to get in your car in New York and drive 746 miles west, you’d be in Indianapolis. Nothing against Indianapolis, but you’re already a third of the way to Montana so you might as well keep going.

Hardly anybody lives in Montana. I know, I know, several people live in Montana. I see some almost every time I visit. But compared to its area (rank in U.S., fourth), the population is minuscule (rank in U.S., 44th). The trout population is, I believe, larger than the human population, which is exactly the way it should be.

Montana has no speed limit. And a good thing, too, for anybody driving from Libby to Ekalaka.

Montana has excellent mountains. Reams have been written about Glacier Park and other postcard sites. But even many Montanans don’t know all of the mountain ranges in the state, many of whose names are pure poetry: Big Snowy, Little Snowy, Bitterroot, Flathead, Cabinet, Little Belt, Big Belt, Sapphire, Garnet, Ruby, Pioneer, Flint Creek, Swan, Mission, Tobacco Root, Madison, Absaroka, Beartooth, Bridger, Bull, Centennial, Judith and Castle.

And you’ve got to love any state with a mountain range named the Crazies, especially considering the state’s recent reputation.

Montana has plains, too. You like flat? Montana has more flat than you could ever want in the eastern half of the state. The plains have their own grand beauty, although they do have some disadvantages. If you want to be a hut-dwelling fruitcake hermit, there are no woods to hide in. On the other hand, the FBI can’t sneak up on you.

Montana has the best weather. Here I use “best” in the sense of “most.” Here’s a state that is likely to get snow, sleet, rain, lightning, frost, hail, gales, ground blizzards and chinooks. All on the same day.

All on the same day in July.

Montana has excellent cities. College towns don’t get much better than Bozeman and Missoula, especially for those college students who like to get out of the library occasionally. Butte has more history and more character than almost any other city in the West. And as for Billings - well, when I was a young cub in Cody, Wyo., I used to dream of making it big in Billings. As everyone knows, if you can make it in Billings, you can make it anywhere.

Montana has mountain goats. Sufficient, in itself, to make Montana superior to at least 40 other states.

Montana is the site of the Little Big Horn. I don’t condone bloodshed, but you’ve got to admit, Custer deserved it.

Montana spawns good literature. For evidence, read anything by Ivan Doig.

Montana has the best people. For some mysterious reason, a significant percentage of the best people I know are from Montana. This may be coincidence, but then again maybe not. Growing up in Montana seems to inoculate people against being pretentious. Plus, growing up in Montana seems to require a good sense of humor. These are, of course, gross generalizations. Some Montanans are lunatics. I just don’t seem to know any of them.

Anyway, all of these reasons help to explain why, despite all of Montana’s problems, so many Montana natives never want to move.

For one thing, it would take three tanks of gas. Like I said, Montana is one massive state.

, DataTimes MEMO: To leave a message on Jim Kershner’s voice-mail, call 459-5493. Or send e-mail to jimk@spokesman.com, or regular mail to Spokesman-Review, P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210.

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Jim Kershner The Spokesman-Review