Speak Up, As Politely As Possible

Dear Miss Manners: I find it disturbing to go to the grocery store and watch my groceries being dumped into the bags as if they were trash.

The baggers seem to have no mind when putting the soap next to the ground meat or putting the bread on the bottom of the bag, ending in mush. I constantly worry that the eggs will break or that the cherry stollen will be smashed or ruined. They put the cream with the cereal. I would put it with the other refrigerated items. It happens at department stores, too. I worry that the blouse I bought is getting wrinkled, or that the “wrinkle-free” pants are being twisted and messed up.

Is it just me, or are people getting lax in their jobs and not caring a hoot?

Gentle Reader: Miss Manners is not sure that the proper precedence of groceries into the grocery bag is her responsibility - as for example, the proper precedence for dignitaries presiding at the grocery store’s opening ceremonies, or of two people reaching for the same head of lettuce, would be.

So with your kind permission, she will address the etiquette question in this situation, which is how to stop the bagger from tossing your year’s supply of detergent on top of your eggs.

Regardless of laxness and hoots, people should be corrected as if their mistakes were honest and their good will apparent. This is not only more polite than “Hey, watch what you’re doing!” but more effective.

“Would you please mind putting the fragile things on the top?” may or may not be heeded, but it gives the bagger the opportunity to correct the situation without having to defend himself. If you take the precaution of reaching for the eggs, please keep a pleasant expression on your face.

Dear Miss Manners: On a cruise, my friend and I were seated with two other couples, none of whom knew the others before. When one of the other women approached the table where the rest of us had ordered drinks but had not yet been served food, I rose from my seat. This resulted in making me feel conspicuously uncomfortable, because neither of the other two men got up. What are the rules?

Gentle Reader: The rule is not to allow the rules to be set at the lowest level present. That it is now polite people who are made to feel uncomfortable more often than the ones who omit courtesies drives poor old Miss Manners crazy.

A gentleman does not stand for a lady in every context. At the workplace, for example, he does not stand for another employee unless she has a great deal of authority over him. But in a clearly social, clearly formal context, he does. And if others fail to stand up to this standard, he does not duck in shame and pretend to be just as oafish as they are.

Dear Miss Manners: A newcomer to the small office where I work has been pushing a personal friendship I do not feel and am not interested in cultivating. Twice now, this individual has left gifts on my desk that I do not wish to receive or reciprocate. On the first occasion, I briefly thanked her without elaboration, put the gift away and have not used it. A second gift was left on my desk with no name or card. I moved it, unopened, to a shelf and have said nothing. I do not want to be rude or unkind, but I do not want to encourage her or to engage in gift-giving exchanges on holidays and birthdays.

Gentle Reader: Which etiquette rule would you like to invoke? That it is wrong to accept tokens of affection from someone whose affection one does not return? Or that it is wrong to accept offerings at the workplace, where they are unpleasantly evocative of bribery? Miss Manners offers you the choice. But the procedure is the same: Return the present, firmly saying, “Thank you, but I’m afraid I can’t accept this.”

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Judith Martin United Features Syndicate