Listen Up, Graduating Students
Members of the Class of 1996, as I stand here before you, gazing out upon your eager young faces, watching me so intently, the question that comes to my mind is: What if I have to scratch myself? I’d have to distract you somehow, perhaps by … HEY! LOOK OVER THERE! THE UNABOMBER!
No, sorry, I was mistaken. Anyway, members of the Class of 1996, today is a very big day for you. For today you will leave the safety and comfort of the academic world - a world of college and classes; of tests and teams; of professors and proms; of books and barfing on your roommate after attending the Phi Delta Zeet fraternity’s Quart Size Martini Night.
Yes, members of the Class of 1996, college has been fun, but the time for fun is over. Now you must take off your comical rented graduation outfits and go forth into the world, unless you are one of the slower students, in which case you must go fifth. Ha ha! Get it? I will pause here for laughter.
But seriously, young people, you are entering a world that has many problems. I am reminded of the words of President Bill Clinton, who, in a recent speech at Yale University, said: “We, as a nation, must make a decision: Are we going to go out and DO something about our problems? Or are we going to remain here and finish these doughnuts? Because I notice there are still some chocolate ones left.”
What do President Clinton and I mean when we talk about “problems?” For one thing, we mean corporate “downsizing.” Take, for example, AT&T, which recently, in a cost-cutting move, fired all of its employees. The only person left there is the CEO, who makes $257 million per year and spends his days squatting on top of his desk, fearfully clutching a letter opener, because the corporate headquarters, lacking even janitorial workers, is overrun by rats.
And believe me, things are no better in the journalism industry. At one time, 100 percent of the content of American newspapers was produced by American workers. But today, because of layoffs and “outsourcing,” more than a quarter of the words you read - including nearly half of the verbs - are produced by low-paid workers in Taiwan. Newspaper quality is definitely suffering, but ironically the stock prices are higher than they ever be.
So the employment trend does not bode well for you, members of the Class of 1996. It bodes badly. You cannot expect to simply remove your diamond nostril stud, walk into a major corporation and get a high-paying position; you will find that most of the openings available to you are in the field of retail yogurt.
Does that mean that your diploma is a worthless piece of paper best suited for cleaning up spilled Yoo-Hoo? Of course not! It is nowhere near absorbent enough!
Besides which, you don’t NEED to beg a corporation for a job. Look at Bill Gates! What did he do that enabled him to rise so much faster than his peers, and become so wealthy that he uses disposable helicopters? HE DROPPED OUT OF COLLEGE. While his peers were studying for exams in which they had to name three French Impressionist masters, Bill was out making money. He now has French Impressionist masters painting his GARAGE.
But does this mean that just because you, the Class of 1996, have indulged in four years of brain-frittering, your future is hopeless?
As the French Impressionist masters say: “Au contraire!” There is always hope for a brighter tomorrow. I am reminded of the words of former president Thomas Jefferson, who, delivering a commencement address at UCLA, concluded his remarks by telling the graduates … HEY! LOOK OVER THERE! ELVIS!