Part-Time Dads Need Clear Plan

Q: I’m in the middle of a custody fight over my 8-year-old daughter. My ex-wife has primary custody during the school year while I currently get the “every-other-weekend and one-night-a-week” deal. Now, I’m about to have my daughter for the summer for the first time. Any suggestions on how to make that work for all of us? - Robert F., Berkeley, Calif.

A: According to dads who’ve been there, divorced kids need the same things other kids do during the summer months: a safe environment, friends to play with, and as much freedom as they can handle.

Summer dads say to expect a “breaking-in” period in the first days together, when parent and child get used to sharing space. Charles Metzker, 47, a Lexington, Ky., father of two young teenagers, describes this early period as “establishing our territories.” John Davis, 46, of San Diego, who was a summer dad for 12 years, calls it “finding the right dance.”

It’s best during this time, both men say, to clearly set down the rules and routines of the house - bedtimes, dinner times, TV use and the like. Metzker adds that a mother can help with the transition by building up positive expectations as the kids prepare to leave her home to stay with their dad.

These divorced dads also recommend against taking off huge chunks of work time in the summer. Rather, they suggest fathers reduce their daily work hours, if possible, and take some vacation time, but mostly try to retain their ordinary lives.

This generally makes Dad more comfortable and keeps the pressure off the kids. Davis says his two kids mostly wanted to be on their own or with their friends when they stayed with him. “Over the course of the summer,” he said, “there was always plenty of time for me.”

Deciding on vacation activities is also an important undertaking for the summer dad. The most memorable activities often seem to be the simplest: hiking, fishing, camping, building a treehouse and other outdoor activities.

Steve H., 44, a banker from the Detroit area (who asked that his full name not be used), said his three children talk all year-round about the camping trip they take together each summer. They plan the trip in the spring on the telephone. He believes his kids will always associate him with good times outdoors.

Five years after his divorce, Steve H. remarried, which resulted in another regular summer activity - a weekly family gathering.

“When you have a blended family, it’s easy for friction to occur and nobody to bring it into the open,” he said. “So we all sit down at least once a week to talk out anything that needs to be talked out.”

As the summer winds down, emotions often run high, Metzker said. He has noticed “a grief process” as the end-of-the-summer separation approaches, with everyone more irritable than usual. Metzker says he tries to be open with his kids about the sadness they or he might be feeling.

When the summer’s done and the kids are gone, the summer dad often feels a sense of relief. Apparently this is normal. “It doesn’t mean you don’t love your kids or want to be with them,” Davis said. “It means you took seriously the responsibility of caring for them.”

Mention: In 1960, 81 percent of U.S. children were living with both their father and mother; by 1990, that number had slipped to 58 percent.

Source: U.S. Census Bureau

Male call: What do you think is the best way to slow the divorce rate? Send responses to P.O. Box 8071, Lexington, Ky. 40533-8071, or to e-mail address nchetaol.com.

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The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Neil Chethik Universal Press Syndicate