Tune Out The Trivial, Focus On The Essential

Sun., May 26, 1996

Jennifer James The Spokesman-Rev

Gridlock stops our cars; tension stops our minds. Overstimulation can take away our joy.

Everything is moving faster while we’re gearing into overload. Some of us run away to cabins or spas just to keep up.

If you force yourself, daily, to balance constant information and competing and conflicting demands, you will reach the point where your mind will become disorganized. You will lose your ability to separate important from unimportant stimuli.

Consider scanning and sorting so you can drop out the trivial, the irrelevant, and safeguard the essential. Try to eliminate the physical and psychological buzz. Turn some of the information off. We are what we allow to flow through our brain.

Respect the art of being at peace.

Dear Jennifer: Our 13-year-old son has been using chewing tobacco. We’ve tried numerous and varied ways of putting a stop to his use, from understanding talks to withdrawal of privileges and on occasion, physical punishment. Our son mostly reacts with stony silence, anger and occasionally claiming he is addicted and can’t stop.

Though we can’t be positive of this last fact, we feel that’s untrue; that in truth he’s doing it to keep up with his particular group of peers, although he seems to have convinced himself he “needs the chew.” He has promised to stop several times. And then we discover another can of it or find him with it in his mouth. I attempted to talk to our doctor and all he would say is it’s just a phase and that we were talking of a 30-year-user for there to be a cancer risk.

Our son is normally an outgoing individual, actively involved in our family life. But he’s had continued behavioral problems in school. His grades are going from bad to worse. Part of this may be due to inferior feelings from short height.

We both work and feel a great deal of guilt for not having more time to deal with our son’s problems. Should we use a reward system? How can I give him more needed attention when I barely have time for the things that need to get done? Sincerely, Eleanor

Dear Eleanor: Your son is in danger and I would suggest you treat this like any other drug addiction. Physical punishment and lecturing will lead only to further withdrawal and rebellion. Going with him in a family-counseling setting might help him cooperate with you.

The analysis of his need to be part of a peer group is accurate, and his desire for your attention. Thirteen is a hard time for a young man. He feels confused, is worried he won’t grow taller and is just trying to find a way to fit in. Your doctor is right that it may be a phase, but the health risks from chewing tobacco are too great to ignore.

The money and attention you invest now in his future will be worth 100 times more in five years, even if it requires a loan. Don’t count on the school; the responsibility, as always, is on your shoulders.

Put aside housecleaning, errands, optional activities and anything else. Any time you give him now will make a substantial difference. Make him your No. 1 priority until you feel he is secure. Jennifer

Dear Jennifer: I have recently begun - as you so beautifully put it - the journey inward. I must write and tell you how very much I appreciate your kind and loving words over the years.

I have been asking hungry, deep, lonely questions for some time. Why is it that my awareness of God’s perfect love does not fill that emptiness to be known and accepted? I believe in God’s agape, yet there has been that empty, painful void in me. I have thought it meant a lack of faith or perhaps my own failure at being as pious as I need to be. Peace and love, Jan

Dear Jan: Thank you for your warmth and compliments. I don’t think we were meant to find all of the joy in our life directly through God. We become most human through social contact with others. The awareness of the world filters through our own level of consciousness and sharing. Perhaps that is the greatest gift from God. Brian Swimme in his writings about our place in the cosmos says, “The universe shivers with wonder in the depths of the human.” He writes about human destiny as love expressed in all of its manifestations. Agape alone will not satisfy your hunger.

It is not a lack of faith or piety you carry with you. It is the depth and wonder of your humanness. Keep asking your questions, stretch yourself toward others when you can, take adventures personally and physically.

Give yourself full credit for being willing to struggle to understand and love the gift that is your life. Love, Jennifer xxxx

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Jennifer James The Spokesman-Review

Local journalism is essential.

Give directly to The Spokesman-Review's Northwest Passages community forums series -- which helps to offset the costs of several reporter and editor positions at the newspaper -- by using the easy options below. Gifts processed in this system are tax deductible.

Meet Our Journalists

Jesse Tinsley

Meet Jesse Tinsley. As a certified drone pilot, this veteran Spokesman-Review photographer often can be seen capturing beautiful aerial photographs of our region. Sometimes though, the job requires getting down with the dogs.
Jim Meehan

Jim Meehan is no stranger to Zag Nation. As the lead writer covering the Gonzaga men’s basketball team, he tells the stories behind the game and gets fans a bit closer to their favorite players.
Molly Quinn

There is no artist in Spokane like Molly Quinn. Her whimsical style is instantly recognizable to readers of The Spokesman-Review. She has painted gorgeous illustrations that instantly elevate the journalism accompanying it. She brings to life the stories that defy photography. She makes our pages better.
Rob Curley

Spokesman-Review editor Rob Curley loves to talk with people and learn about their lives, whether it's a best-selling author or a stranger he meets downtown on his walk to lunch. It's that inquisitive nature combined with a playful sense of storytelling that helps make our newspaper different than most.