Never Bring Gifts To A Wedding

Fri., May 31, 1996

Judith Martin United Features Sy

Dear Miss Manners: I am a waitress for a country club, and every weekend during spring and summer we have wedding receptions. If I have the time from my other duties, I spend hours taping cards to gifts so the bride can say, “Thanks for the toaster - we really needed it,” and not, “Thank you for your gift, whichever it is, as the cards came off most of our gifts.”

People bring beautiful gifts with cards just tucked under the bow. Because they must be handled two more times - to get it to a car and then home - the cards slip out.

Please put your card inside the package or tape it securely. Brides might have an attendant who tapes the cards down, welcomes guests and directs them to the phone and bathroom.

Another thing - have the buffet open as soon as guests arrive, to help pass the time until the bride and groom arrive. Do almost all picture taking before the wedding, so only a few minutes are needed after the ceremony.

Gentle Reader: While blessing you for your kind efforts, Miss Manners would like to render them unnecessary. If she can only get the attention of all wedding guests for one moment, she has an etiquette announcement to make:

Never bring presents to a wedding. Never, never, never!

Got that? Never!

This is not a child’s birthday party or even a wedding shower, where presents are opened on the spot. People who are receiving wedding guests at a reception barely have time to smile at a photographer, the problem addressed by your other timely warning; they certainly don’t have time for present-collecting.

Wedding presents should be sent to the home of the bride before the wedding, or to the couple’s home after the wedding.

Always! Do you wedding guests hear that? Always!

Dear Miss Manners: When we began our “club” - a group of 12 women friends getting together for dinner and birthday celebrations - only one member didn’t smoke and there were no ordinances prohibiting smoking in restaurants.

Well, the times have changed. Now five of us don’t smoke and restaurants restrict smoking to the bar or prohibit it entirely. We nonsmokers are often left at the table while the smokers go out to smoke.

They sometimes get busy visiting and do not return after one cigarette. Are we wrong to feel slighted? Should we sit and wait for their eventual return, or must we join them?

Should we ask for a group discussion on this or ignore it? After half an hour, can we leave or order dinner?

The last time there were just two of us nonsmokers waiting, and after 45 minutes we left - not in a huff, but just tired of waiting. Now the smokers are angry with us. This doesn’t seem fair, but I suppose we were wrong to leave.

Gentle Reader: It is one of the great advantages of a club that it can make rules. Etiquette rules. Made by mutual agreement, so that nobody’s feelings are hurt.

All it takes here is for you to inquire pleasantly, “What should we do about waiting around while people go out to smoke? Would you say a 20-minute disappearance rule, after which others are free to leave? Ten minutes? Thirty?”

Provided there are no rude cracks made about smoking, in which case you have a Miss Manners award for unusual restraint, a group of old friends surely ought to be able to make such a decision to everyone’s satisfaction.

xxxx

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Judith Martin United Features Syndicate

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