Your Intentions Are Good; Don’t Quit

Dear Miss Manners: A few years ago, I was involved in a city-wide ministry that matched people who had problems with people who had been through the same problem. After I gave birth to a child with Down’s syndrome, I was helped immeasurably by a woman who called me up out of the blue and talked about her own daughter. She told me a nurse at the hospital had mentioned I might need some help, and we talked for two hours.

I am naturally reticent, but I later signed up for the ministry with the intention of giving back what I had been given - namely hope and sanity.

My first call was fine. I went to a hospital to see a new mother and left her feeling better, I believe.

My next call was a nightmare. The woman who answered refused to let me speak with the new mother and demanded to know how I got her name, refusing to believe that I had no idea who turned it in. She was extremely rude and told me not to call again. This crushed me, and I resigned from the ministry.

Lately, I have begun to wonder if maybe the whole concept had been - well, invasive. Where is the line between invading and helping?

Gentle Reader: You meant so well that Miss Manners would like to make you feel better by sharing a similar experience.

But she hasn’t had any. And here’s why:

She shares your belief that an essential way to repay kindness is to pass it on to others. But she has always remembered what so many people forget in the throes of a commendable desire to help - that morality never cancels the need for mannerliness.

When the sharing technique you describe swept the country, enthusiasts forgot that charity must be tempered with respect for the sovereignty of others. Many believed so strongly in its benefits that they forced confidences on and from others, in the belief that any resistance should be overcome for the other person’s own good.

But it is wrong, as you were jarred to discover, to invade the privacy of others, particularly when they are suffering. And not everybody finds it comforting to talk with strangers.

This should not discourage you from offering help - only from skipping the step of inquiring delicately whether it would be welcome.

It would be best if someone from the hospital staff told patients that this counseling is available. You could also help your ministry by drawing up a letter explaining what it offers.

Dear Miss Manners: One of my neighbors purchased a leaf blower and blows all of her leaves against the fence surrounding her backyard. It is a short chain-link fence, so most of the leaves go through and over, into the surrounding neighbors’ yards.

We had just cleaned up our yard and I wish I had not seen what she was doing, as she seemed quite happy to see her leaves vanish from her yard. It makes me wonder if she has considered anyone but herself.

Should we get a leaf blower and blow them back?

Gentle Reader: Oh, a leaf-blowing contest. What a good idea for a neighborhood get-together. You could all get blowers and then fight about whose leaves are in whose yards.

Of course, you would not only turn your home turf into a battleground, but all the yards would end up, after a hard day’s yard work, covered with leaves.

Miss Manners has a less dramatic idea. Why don’t you give your neighbor the benefit of the doubt? Allowing the fun of a new toy to blind one to the consequences for others is not the most evil form of selfishness on record.

You could say, in a neighborly way, “I’ve been admiring your leaf blower, and I was thinking of getting one. But then your leaves ended up in my yard - so if I got one, they’d just end up back in your yard. Is there a way to use it which would actually get rid of the leaves?”

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Judith Martin United Features Syndicate