I’D Give Anything For An Empty Nest
“I wouldn’t be here if my divorce lawyer hadn’t made me come,” fumes Jeannette, a Shirley MacLaine look-alike, still lithe at 48. At this point, Jeannette doesn’t want to save her marriage.
“I moved into my own studio apartment six months ago. Why should I go back to a husband who treats me like a second-class citizen, plus two freeloading adult children - Matt is 26 now and Becky is 24 - who are either zoned out in front of the TV or out partying instead of looking for jobs.
“It’s not that I don’t love my kids,” Jeannette explains, “but little birds are supposed to fly the nest, aren’t they?”
It was different when the kids were in college, Jeannette says. “We saved a lot of money by having them live at home, and after graduation gave them each a year off to work at a ski resort before looking for real jobs.” She certainly didn’t expect them to settle in as if they had no intention of getting lives of their own. They each also brought home two huge dogs, who aren’t housebroken, “So the whole place smells like urine.”
But most infuriating to Jeannette is that fact that her husband doesn’t see anything wrong with this arrangement. “David just says, in his calm, steady way, that it’s tough to find a good job and we shouldn’t push our kids now when they need time to make the right choices,” she seethes. “When I hear that totally patronizing tone of voice, something just boils up inside. I feel as insignificant as I always did as a child, when my father would scream and hit me.”
David, 49, a handsome man with the look of an aging linebacker, is confused. “Maybe I’m an old softie, but Matt and Becky are good kids, and if we have the money, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with giving them time to figure out what they want to do with their lives.”
David believes he’s probably the only man who could be married Jeannette for 27 years. “She’s flighty, quirky, quick to anger and a spendthrift - but I love her,” he admits. “She was a breath of fresh air after all the sweet but dull girls I’d been dating.”
But now she flies off the handle, refuses to discuss anything rationally and barks orders to everyone.
“Jeannette globalizes everything. If Matt’s dog, who is old and sick, has an accident in the living room, she demands that both dogs be put to sleep. I don’t like emotional scenes,” he adds, “so I back off.”
Indeed, these two can’t have a civil conversation about the weather, let alone resolve any real problems. But David loves his wife and has come to counseling to find out if there’s anything he can do to persuade her to move back home.
How to make anger work for you
“Anger, like fire, can be harnessed to produce positive energy - or destructive when out of control,” says Susan Heitler, Ph.D., a marriage therapist in Denver, Colo. David and Jeannette need to learn how to channel their anger so it doesn’t push them farther apart.
The following three-step plan helped them:
Step 1: Think of anger as stop sign. Your mother probably told you to take a deep breath and count to 10 before saying anything in anger, and that’s still good advice. Most people, when they feel angry, get the urge to attack and this only makes the other person fight back even harder. Give yourself time, in whatever way you can, to cool down before opening your mouth.
Step 2: Focus on your own feelings. Use that cooling-off period to stop dwelling on what your partner is or isn’t doing (“You always put me down … you never help with the kids at night”) and instead zero in on what you need right now. Then, rephrase your complaint in sentences that begin with “I.” For example: “I need to hear you say you love me” … “I need to have you do your share at night with the kids.”
Step 3: Ask your partner for time to talk. Instead of communicating in an outburst that catches your partner off guard - Jeannette’s usual M.O. - tell your partner there’s something you need to discuss. Then, talk about what you need in a calm, clear voice and without resorting to blame and accusation, which will only serve to put your partner on the defensive.
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